When you are far from home, stuck in a 10×10 cell 23 hours a day with a guy whose name is ‘G-Murder’, there are few things that can brighten your day more than supportive letters from friends. As a show of support, MiddleEasy has decided to host a ‘Jail Mail for War Machine Campaign’ to thank him for all the entertainment he has provided us with over the last couple of years. Unfortunately, the San Diego Sheriff department only allows each inmate to receive a limited number of emails each day, and yesterday by 10am War Machine had already received his daily limit. Well, we have decided to provide a place for everyone to post their own personal message to War Machine here in our comment section. We will print each one of them out and mail them to War Machine. Who doesn’t love to get an extra special letter in the mail from time to time, right?
Here’s the message I wrote for him this morning:
Dear Jon (hahaha)…I mean War Machine-my bad,
Hope this letter finds you in good spirits. I was in jail once (for a couple of hours) so I want to offer you a list of some rules to help you get through the next 50 or so weeks in the slammer. Have you ever seen the movie ‘Zombieland’? Some of the rules in that movie apply to prison life so you might want to check the prison library I’ve included a couple of them in the list.
1. DO NOT DROP THE SOAP. (just don’t drop anything for that matter, EVER.)
2. DON’T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS…they will expect something in return. G-Murder wants to give you a Blowpop so you will blow…( I think you get the idea here)
3. BEWARE BATHROOMS. Just like in Zombieland, bathrooms, showers, any small enclosed spaces-just don’t go in them. Matter of fact-who needs to shower in jail anyway. Be funky, it might save your monkey.
4. DON’T DRINK THE JUICE. I once knew this dude who went by the name ‘Atomic Nucleus’ who said ‘THE MAN’ put something in the juice in prison to control your mind. He also said that eating pickles caused impotence though so…
5. STOP CLAIMING YOU ARE WHITE. 69% of all backdoor violation victims in prison are white-FACT. I probably wouldn’t claim to be Asian either if I were you.
6. LIMBER UP. Just like in Zombieland the last thing you want is to pull a muscle or throw your back out in the middle of defending your dookie shoot. Do some yoga in your downtime-just make sure when you do the downward dog pose your back is to the wall….on second thought, just don’t do that pose at all, OK?
Follow those rules, and you should be able to survive the next year unharmed. Keep your head up, brah.
Alright, now let’s see what words of encouragement, advice or questions you guys have for War Machine. Post a comment below and we will print each one off and send it to him.