Some of you may say it’s unfair to have a sega videogame character go toe to toe with former WEC champ Urijah Faber. But, in actuality, it’s unfair for Shinobi to feel the motherfriggin onslaught of Urijah Faber. Alright, forget about the Mike Brown lost last year in which he lost his title to a wild ass punch, (although he defended it five times prior) come June 7th, the universe will be restored back to its natural order. But in the meantime, I really want to see Shinobi (the arcade version, not the cheap sega genesis version) go head to head with Urijah Faber.
Faber is the quickest dude I know in MMA. Watching Urijah in a fight is like watching a mongoose stalk its prey on National Geographic. If you don’t believe me, check out his Jens Pulver win last January. So he’s the only guy that can dodge those ninja stars Shinobi throws in the bonus stages just after clearing a stage. If you were born in the early 80s and spent a school trip at a skating rink, then you know what I’m talking about. The only catch here is that both contestants have to fight within the MMA rules. That means Shinobi has to get rid of all the swords, stars, grappling hooks…etc. but don’t forget, he’s still a m’fin ninja and he has ninja magic that transcends our comprehension (like that move where he starts praying and a bunch of shinobis come out of nowhere). So lets break it down and see who would take this fight.
Urijah Faber and Shinobi are both equally fast, I know Shinobi can jump higher because he’s a friggin ninja plus he can hide like right in front of your eyes because thats what ninjas do. In fact, Shinobi could be between these two words and you wouldnt even know it. So I’m giving the slight edge to Shinobi. Now when it comes to close combat, im giving it to Urijah Faber based on the dudes sheer ferociousness. All Shinobi has is ninjutsu and a bunch of other shit like a cool costume and the ability to throw ninja stars at people until someone jumps directly in front of him (someone please tell me they got that). Since the weapons get thrown out of the equation, im giving the edge to Urijah. Dudes a brawler.
But what about all of that cool ninja shit Shinobi could do in the game like the ‘multiple Shinobis coming from everywhere move’? The shit will not work based on the fact that they’re in a cage, all that ninja magic shit only worked on the street. Besides, I’m pretty sure Faber could withstand that ‘multiple Shinobis coming from everywhere move’ to buy him enough time to put the real Shinobi in a rear naked choke.
Fight goes to Urijah Faber in the third by rear naked choke. Game over. Now give me back all of those quarters I wasted trying to get past that third level in Shinobi. Screw you childhood.