Do you remember the first time you cried yourself to sleep as an adult? For me, it was October 4, 1998, the night My Fox Twin Cities started running Married with Children reruns directly opposite NewsRadio on NBC. I had to choose between just one of my two adolescent heroes, Al Bundy and Joe Garrelli. The Polk High School Panther who ran in four touchdowns in one game, or the conspiratorial electrician who once admitted to being the Unabomber. Fifteen years later, Ed O’Neill and Joe Rogan have improved upon their Hollywood characters, implausibly self-authoring better scripts in real life. Rogan has intelligently refined his approach to Extra Terrestrials with an expansive podcast, and it is somehow completely believable that Sofía Vergara would be sexually attracted to her Modern Family counterpart O’Neill. But most importantly, each of them has earned a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu.
And so, I was excited and horrified when a Twitter user engaged @RealEdOneill and Ralek Gracie last night about a possible match against Rogan at Metamoris, and Ed appeared to answer, “Sounds like a plan.”
— Blaze One (@Blazeoner) July 27, 2014
Excited for obvious reasons, but simultaneously having flashbacks of the day I cracked The Dark Knight Returns to find out whether an aging Bruce Wayne could out-gadget Superman in a DC Comics super fight.
Unfortunately, or perhaps thankfully, we may never find out whether the Alpha Brain-snorting neoguru Rogan would rubber guard Rorion Gracie black belt O’Neill into Bolivia. That Twitter account only has a couple thousand followers, and it hasn’t been verified. So no crying myself to sleep for now. And let’s not be in such a hurry to kill another superhero. Batman is sitting with one hand down his pants on a couch in Gotham, and Superman is puffing freebase DMT at a retreat center in Peru. Two complimentary protagonists, living harmonious existences, right where they belong.