Don’t worry, Steven Seagal may have been hired by Putin to invent Russian fitness

Alright, that headline is a little confusing, but Steven Seagal invented it. In fact, Steven Seagal invented me, can you believe it? Steven Seagal invented the act of inventing, and while he floated through the ether, he created widow’s peaks and black outfits for all. If Steven Seagal had his way, our world would look like an Ingmar Bergman film that featured nothing but wristlocks and pissed pants. 

Ray Longo learned the Knee Destruction™ from Steven Seagal, he just didn’t admit it due to the awkward ramifications with Anderson.

Now, Putin has recruited God’s prototype to get Russians in shape. Michelle Obama goes on Oprah, Putin hires Seagal. Now if only we could see Seagal and Putin vs Michelle and Oprah. That’s a tag team match that would score at least 1.4 million viewers on Fox Sports 1.

So Steven Seagal may become the face of Russia’s “Ready for Labor and Defense” program that was around when Stalin was running things. They’re using left over Sochi cash to fund the whole project, and this will likely mean everyone will be partaking in Sambo classes for the next few years. Maybe we’ll get the next Fedor out of it. Or the next Khabib.

Thanks to Synthis for the tip. Just the tip.


Published on March 27, 2014 at 7:04 pm
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