D-Zilla breaks it down: What If MMA was like the Street Fighter video game?

Welcome to our new feature here on MiddleEasy.com: ‘Dzilla Breaks it Down’. Tim Kennedy teaches us how to cook angry yet delicious meals, Yves Edwards blesses us with the wisdom only a Thug Jitsu Master can provide, and our BFF Damarques Johnson will now break it down for us like the written equivalent to Ozone breaking down a windmill into a neck-o-flex in the movie Electric Boogaloo. Damarques will break down anything and everything MMA related as only the mind of a Dzilla monster can. This week Dzilla answers the question: What if MMA was the Street Fighter game? Who would each character be in the world of MMA?

M Bison = Dana white.

The evil genius you aspire to be that can whip your ass with his own bare hands. Sinister and disconnected to your well being, however you can’t help but be drawn in by the awesomeness he illuminates. He brandishes the confidence of a championship fighter, the malice of a mafia hit man, and the magnetic personality of the cool kid you wished you could be back in high school. Being a bad guy that rules the world never seemed so cool. So what if you had to break a few eggs to make your omelet of world domination? Besides you get to rock a cool ass suit.

Blanka = Matt Hughes

Yes, I’m fully aware that Blanka is from Brazil and “The Country Boy” hails from Hillsborough, Illinois USA-but bear with me a moment my dear gamer friends. The inhumane amount of squeeze power that generates in Matt Hughes’ unipectoral muscle group rivals that of this green beastly counterpart (trust me Hughes arms have been wrapped around my neck plenty). Neither are known for their supreme technical striking ability, however both hold an inner electricity that makes them dangerous for anybody. This isn’t where the similarities end, though. Seriously, check out the chest hair.

Sagat = Pat Barry

If the sociopathic sinister smile of these guys is cast upon you and makes you pee a little, it’s cool. It happens to lots of folks. Both of these guys strike fear into the hearts and conscience of men, and also their opponents’ leg meat. These two are equipped with legs the size of the eldest of the Redwood Sequoias in the California forest, and physiques housing enough power to supply running water and electricity to smaller shanties, villages and projects of third world countries. If they touch it they break it.  As Pat has said, “I don’t hit hard. I hit SCARY.” Can’t say that I have experienced this personally but, after seeing him fold Duke Roufus in half in a “light” Thai pad session-I believe.

Vega = GSP

OK, fight nerds, gamer geeks, men, women, heterosexual, metrosexual, bisexual something doesn’t add up here. Maybe it’s just me-and yes, I’m fully aware that GSP can whip my ass in real life. I also haven’t been in enough knife fights to survive a cage climbing back flip attack from an angry Spanish man with a Freddy Kruger Claw but I just can’t figure out the fighter equation make up of both men. Still, these metrosexual men in tights have the ability to remodel your facial features leaving it them to be held together with enough stitch work to wear out the most sturdy under-aged sweat shop worker who constructed your NIKES. To make things worse after all is said and done you will be left by your lonesome- very likely bleeding, fatigued and further emasculated with a signature backflip by a man who is clearly more agile, better looking, deadlier,  and man enough to take home your girlfriend or boyfriend should he feel like it.

Dhalsim = Eddie Bravo

Dhalsim was like a giant person made of twizzler rope. He could twist, bend and stretch his way to whipping your ass. Who does that sounds like? None other than the twister and rubber guard aficionado himself-Eddie Bravo. Eddie Bravo’s ability to bend himself like pretzel or stretch himself like a rubber and to defeat you makes him a real life version of Dhalsim. not to mention the fact that these guys both clearly know how to and enjoy getting ‘lifted’.

Balrog = Paul Daley

Kinetic violence generally paired with volatile carnage radiates upon their arrival into any room. Imagine what happens when they make their presence felt in a cage or ring. Hardly the pugilistic Mount Everest to climb, in order to be successful you have to ask yourself simple questions like, ‘Do I dare wager my physical well being, brain cells, and cognitive skills against the brash unwavering confidence that is Daley or Balrog?’ Their physical presence and cinderblock like hands? A man much wiser than me said, “Great risk yields, great rewards.” So only hang out as much as you’re willing to get chopped off and knuckle up! Also please check out the fades, son.

Guile = Brian Stann

Both men sport a steely eye killer demeanor, along with rugged marble like frame work. Guile and Brian Stann both look fresh out of a GI Joe fashion shoot. The only real difference between these two all American heroes is the flag tattoo of Guile vs. the 90s tribal work tattoo of Stann. Well, that and Brian Stann has actually killed people, being a Marine and all. Now that I think about it, with Guile being in the Air force and Stann a Marine-I would be willing to bet vital parts of my very own anatomy that Brain Stann has a perpetual infatuation with violence in real life that eclipses that of the fictitious Air Force Major Guile.

Zangief = Ken Shamrock

If you think back to your early childhood then you probably remember how scary mean and nasty he was. If you think about it now though, you realize he is slow awkward and just not all that much fun. Wait am I talking about Shamrock or Zangief? Big, angry, and always yelling in his red speedo- still Zangief or Ken? At any given moment there are glimpses of greatness and cool technical throws and submissions while weathering an ass whipping.

Chun Li = Michelle Waterson

Michelle Waterson aka the Karate Hottie has a whole bunch of kicks in her arsenal of attacks due to her extensive karate training. This makes her the perfect pick to be Chun Li. Almost any one of Chun Li’s special moves involved kicking the mess out of someone with her amazingly powerful legs.

Ken & Ryu = Nate & Nick Diaz

Although in the game series Ken & Ryu are friends I have always thought of them as brothers. Their characters are simple and scrappy and use many of the same moves and techniques. Sort of like Nate and Nick Diaz-both of these guys are scrappy street style fighters with an unorthodox and wild punching style. They like to get in there and brawl either on the feet or on the ground they will issue you devastating damage.

Published on May 13, 2011 at 1:23 pm
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