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Yes, a “Choose Your Own Adventure” movie really is happening

We all make bad decisions but Hollywood keeps letting Michael Bay ruin my childhood memories and I can’t forgive him for it. I’ve not yet finished watching any of the Transformers movies aside from the 1986 original which spawned the universal greeting “bah weep granna weep ninny baum”. I utter this whenever introduced to a new technology in the hopes that it will soothe and placate the machine in the eventuality it tries to destroy me. If it wasn’t bad enough he ruined Transformers, he is not set to destroy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as well. Hollywood is so devoid of new ideas that it is literally grabbing at anything in order to make movies. Look at the Magic: The Gathering film news for example.

One by one my childhood memories are being dealt a blow like Heath Herring was at the start of his fight with Brock Lesnar. As if the previous examples weren’t enough, how about this? A “Choose Your Own Adventure” movie, based on the series of books. If it was a wholly different cinematic experience where multiple scenes were filmed and the average audience response dictated what happened in the film, I’d be super pumped. That is too original and risky for Hollywood.

Instead, we’re getting Rawson Marshall Thurber (We’re The Millers) directing what will likely be a poor Jumanji action/comedy romp cashing in on a license which means nothing to anyone who will go see this. Disappointed is the correct word but it doesn’t do justice to how I feel right now. How about you? Turn to page 34 if you are disappointed, 21 if you are satisfied, or skip to the end if you don’t have a clue how this works.

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