Guys, if you haven’t heard, my twenty three year long quest is complete, I’ve had sex. For me, this is my Dark Souls, the absolute punishing and demoralizing journey is all made worth it when you finish it. During the quest, you might stop and think to yourself, wondering “am I a masochistic?” Those questions go unanswered, until that is, you beat Dark Souls and or get laid.
Now that I’ve gotten laid, my life has changed completely, people respect me, I have an undeniable aura about me, I feel the urge to shower on a near bi-daily basis. It’s weird, I’m not entirely sure I like it, but there is a tangible difference in Gary LaPlante pre and post penetrating a woman. I’m glad I survived it, I don’t seem to have any (permanent) physical damage to myself. After this odd Portuguese commercial though, I will be living in fear of AIDS.