The top ten Mythological Versions of real MMA fighters

When the Fight Gods created mixed martial arts, over the course of five-five minute rounds, a select number of Mythological fighters were birthed. These mystic versions of fighters were meant to be discussed in theory rather than watched in practice. If these ten Mythological fighters were unleashed upon this 100 trillion pound rock we call Earth our current MMA timeline would be erased from existence.

Operating in this alternate timeline, these ten God-like MMA fighters were created for the sole purpose of dominating the last 25 years of human face punching history. Bow at the feet, offer up a human sacrifice, or pray to whatever deity you believe in because these are’s Top Ten Mythological Versions of Real MMA Fighters.

10. Active Rickson Gracie

Messano: Rickson by armbar is cool and all but Active Rickson Gracie is a legend that really fights. When not spending his time beating up strangers on the beaches of Brazil or pummeling King-Fu masters that step into his gym, Active Rickson Gracie would have a won UFC tournament or two and fought after Pride 4. Active Rickson Gracie would compete in so many sanctioned fights that maybe one or two would not end via armbar.

After breaking Travis Fulton’s record for most professional MMA fights, Active Rickson Gracie would retire to a life of not Monday morning Quaterbacking the techniques and practices of modern MMA fighters because he was so active in his own heyday. Active Rickson Gracie would be the coolest Grandpa.

Golightly: After retirement, Active Rickson Gracie would go on to become the first MMA movement coach before it was hip. Unfortunately, he would never avenge his only loss to Pre-Wanderlei Silva Axe Murdered Kazushi Sakuraba.

9. 205 pound Fedor

Golightly: The list of victims reads like a who’s-who of MMA: Nogueira, Hunt, Sylvia, Arlovski, Cro Cop. Fedor Emelianenko boasted a staggering 28 fight win streak over some of the best competition of his era. Part of the added mystique of Fedor is how unassuming he was.

He barely showed emotion and always looked like he could your best friend’s dad, but he had the power in his chubby hands to destroy any mortal man on the planet then go back to wearing sweaters and eating ice cream. Fedor fought people who outweighed him for most of his career yet still is absolutely one of the greatest MMA fighters of all time. Just imagine what would’ve happened if he fought at the weight he probably should’ve been fighting at.

Messano: 205 pound Fedor crossovers into the UFC sometime in 2004 and goes on to defeat Tito Ortiz, Randy Couture, and Chuck Liddell at three straight UFC pay per view events. When teary eyed Dana White goes to shake the hand of 205 pound Fedor, The GOAT drops the UFC’s light heavyweight belt into a trash can.

8. Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar

Golightly: In the Mythic Timeline, Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar is STILL Heavyweight champion… until the epic trilogy against Sober Weightlifting Jones who becomes HW Jon Jones (we’ll get to that later).

Messano: Before an Alien face hugger baby egg tried to eat the insides of Brock Lesnar via diverticulitis, the MMA world had Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar. Only a few months after Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar drank Coors Light (because Bud Light didn’t want to pay him), got on top of his wife, and pulled a horseshoe out of the ass of Frank Mir at UFC 100, he was diagnosed with a life threatening case of diverticulitis.

If Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar stayed Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar, then the 265 pound human cannon ball dispatches of Shane Carwin in less than a round, out wrestles Cain Velasquez, and then likely goes on to beat-up Mir and or Randy Couture again. Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar rules the UFC’s heavyweight division with a hunting camo fist and goes on to be the only man to hold a UFC title as well as a WWE title at the exact same time.

Basically Pre-diverticulitis Brock Lesnar gives no fucks.

7. Chuck Liddell when he’s got that look in his eyes

Messano: Chuck Liddell when he’s got that look in his eyes once appeared on the Good Morning Texas local morning show; the only occurrence of Chuck Liddell when he’s got that look in his eyes in the wild.

Golightly: One of the first big stars of the UFC, Chuck Liddell cannot be left off of any list of any kind. With his signature haircut and awkwardly buff E.T. body, Liddell was a marching, punching machine who held the record for most knockouts in UFC light heavyweight history.

He has multiple wins over Randy Couture, finished Wanderlei Silva, and even Overeem.

Perhaps the first time we saw “that look” is when Liddell returned from Pride and famously KO’d Tito Ortiz at UFC 47 setting him up to eventually become champion. After that we knew that when Liddell’s got that look in his eyes, no one could stand in front of him.

6. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz

Messano: Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz supports Mother Earth and the use of cannabis to treat disease or improve health symptoms. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz throws up gogoplatas on folks. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz runs triathlons in his off time.

Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz runs off an 11 fight win streak with ease. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz operates in a world where the Nevada Athletic Commission views cannabis as a solution, not a problem. Or maybe the NAC is just abolished in favor of a more rational way of governing the sport. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz wins all the fight of, submission of, and knockout of the night UFC bonuses then retires before his athletic skills start to decline.

50 years from now while sitting in a rocking chair at his home Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz watches his grandkids slap fight in the front yard while he just chills. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz is happy but even at 80 years plus he will not hesitant to slap you if you disrespect him.

Golightly: I 100% believe USADA’s marijuana testing is a conspiracy to specifically keep Nick Diaz from clowning fools. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz is a Welterweight (where you at George!?) and Middleweight (beat you while you were on roids, dude) champion. Medical Marijuana Card Nick Diaz actually enjoys interviews.

5. Any striker with six months of sprawl training

Messano: Mike Tyson with six months of sprawl training murders anyone in the cage. Badr Hari with just six months of sprawl training rules the MMA world. Now give Tyson Fury six months of sprawl training and his hands are just so advanced for MMA, he would be an unstoppable force of nature.

Since the dawn of MMA the boxer or kickboxer with six months of sprawl training would walk into the sport and dominate it for years. This unicorn of MMA lore cannot be pinned down to just a single striker. Take any striker over the last 25 years, bestow upon him six months of your best sprawl training, and he cannot be dragged to the ground in a MMA fight.

These strikers spit on the mixing of your grappling martial arts.

4. Pre-Wanderlei Silva Ax Murdered Kazushi Sakuraba

Golightly: You can only talk about Kazushi Sakuraba by using mythic terms. It’s simply impossible not to turn Sakuraba into a bonafide folk hero because his essence simply makes it so. He wiped out the entire elite sector of the Gracie family while smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey. He’s also one of the only people to ever fight two times in one modern UFC event (after an overturned decision against Marcus Silveira) AND he stayed up at 3am the night before playing Pokémon on his Game Boy.

Constantly known for fighting people who outweighed him, he even beat an “allegedly” mythical Vitor Belfort! Unfortunately, Sakuraba was never the same after he was axe-murdered by Wanderlei Silva multiple times.

3. The Old/The TRT Vitor Belfort

Golightly: The first time Vitor Belfort popped was at Pride 32 (ironically titled The Real Deal) back in 2006. After three years of MMA limbo, Belfort returned to the UFC in epic fashion by finishing Rich Franklin in one round. He faltered only a couple of times after that to two GOAT candidates.

Suddenly, a bronze monster appeared and Belfort 2.0 kicked off one of the most incredible, triple-hitter rampages in MMA history KO-ing Michael Bisping (permanently injuring his eye), current UFC middleweight champion Luke Rockhold and Dan Henderson. Old Belfort was set to fight newly-crowned Chris Weidman for the belt but withdrew due to the TRT ban.

So, in an alternate juiced-exempt timeline Old/TRT Belfort could have been champ. And while it’s not clear exactly how long Vitor Belfort was on steroids, what is clear is that he was terrifying when he was “allegedly” on it.

Messano: Old Belfort is now the New/TRT Belfort. Never fight Old/TRT Belfort on sovereign Brazilian soil.

2. Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones

Golightly: Mark our words, 2016 will be the year of Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones, but 2017 will be the year of heavyweight Jon Jones: Eater of Worlds, Demolisher of Eyes, Soul Collector for Trog the Berserker God Jon Jones.

Messano: Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones is not to be released on the MMA world until 2016. Mostly not sober, not that into weightlifting Jon Jones had little to no problem riding a under the influence (allegedly) path right through the best light heavyweights the UFC had to offer. Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones is bigger, stronger, faster, and 100% more sober than his partying alter ego.

No, man weighing 205 pounds on planet Earth has a chance versus Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones. If Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones is going add all that muscle mass thanks to hard work and vitamins then he should not be limited to just dominating light heavyweight human beings. Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones shall spend the remainder of his fighting days making UFC heavyweights cry into their Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Sorry, Fabricio Werdum, Cain Velasquez, Andrei Arlovski, Stipe Miocic, Junior Dos Santos, Alistair Overeem, Travis Browne, Josh Barnett, Ben Rothwell, Mark Hunt, Frank Mir, Roy Nelson, Antonio Silva, but Sober Weightlifting Jon Jones is entering your weight class, and he is never ever going to leave.

1. Motivated BJ Penn

Messano: Despite most of his training consisting of running underwater with boulders, jumping out of swimming pools, and simply showing up at the gym, Motivated BJ Penn would win UFC titles in at least three different weight classes. After Motivated BJ Penn destroys all your roided up heroes, he would spend the remainder of his career licking his opponent’s blood off his gloves and only competing in Super-Fights.

Golightly: BJ Penn is an absolute madman. He fought in 5 different weight classes during his career and was a multi-division champion. After winning the UFC welterweight title, Penn basically did a “hang loose” hand sign, vacated the title then fought Lyoto “MF’in” Machida in K1 at a catch-weight.

When he came back to the UFC, he won the lightweight title and went straight to challenge GSP for the welterweight belt again because he simply has no fucks to give. Arguably one of the greatest MMA fighters ever, a motivated version of BJ Penn can beat anyone on any night. I once tried to add him to Wikipedia as an official Hawaiian deity but it was inexplicably removed. This is my……revenge


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