REPORT: Jon Jones Fined Arbitrary Sum to Silence Outrage

LAS VEGAS, Nevada, January 18th, 2015 — On Saturday evening the Ultimate Fighting Championship issued a statement in regards to UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon “Bones” Jones. Jones, recently embroiled in a scandal over a positive test for the drug cocaine and a subsequent one-day stint in rehab, has been fined some arbitrary sum by the UFC as punishment for breaking the “Code of Conduct.”

The UFC Code of Conduct, handed down for generations in the Fertita family written in an ancient language was only recently transcribed by UFC’s Vice President of Athlete Development and Government Relations, Matt Hughes. No one else has ever been able to read the ancient codex, nor has a physical copy been seen since Hughes transcribed it, but the UFC Code of Conduct is something to be taken very seriously.

The UFC Code of Conduct has come into play multiple times in the past few years, for example; In 2013 the UFC was forced to fine Nathan Diaz $20,000 and handed out a 90 day suspension for a derogatory Tweet. In similar incidents, the UFC fired Miguel Torres in 2011 for an unseemly tweet and in 2013 Matt Mitrione was similarly fined an undisclosed sum and suspended for comments about transgendered athlete Fallon Fox. There are other examples, but you get my point.

The UFC shows no remorse when it comes to their Code of Conduct and simply conjures up an arbitrary sum out of thin air in hopes that it is enough money to quell the bloodthirsty fans’ outrage over whatever incident. We are told that Matt Hughes must go on a vision quest and search out a burning bush to reveal to him (and only him) what the sum must be, so we assume that this was the case with Jon Jones and why he was fined $25,000 for testing positive for a serious drug and only attended a single night of rehabilitation (where he conquered addiction with ease).

We applaud the UFC for their gutsy move of an arbitrary fine and no suspension for the highest-grossing athlete.

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