So Middle Easianites, UFC 209 happened.
Were you too broke to buy it? Too internet illiterate to stream it? Too drunk to remember what happened? Or did you manage to get roped into a social life and miss it all together?
Don’t sweat it. I got your back. Not with fight results; go to Wikipedia for that. But here’s the important shit to know from Las Vegas.
Uber-Reem No More
The Incredible Alistair Overeem of our Pride yesterdays has given way to a softer, leaner, Reem. No more will his physique resemble a WWE action figure from the ’80s. How sad. We are now left to wonder, how many more fights does Alistair have on his UFC contract? I can’t wait until he becomes a free agent, spends six months clubbing in Thailand, and then fulfills his destiny becoming the Rizin heavyweight champion. Hopefully before 2020.
But even in his deflated form, The Lesser-Reem was good enough to beat Mark Hunt. The Super Samoan broke his leg (or didn’t?) in the first round only to throw another two dozen kicks on that same leg. It bleed a lot.
Eventually, Mark Hunt ate a knee to the head even his adamantium plated skull couldn’t take. Half of my soul wept, and half my soul screamed out in joy. I immediately called my therapist.
Thanks a Lot, Old Man Kelly
“Judo” Dan Kelly went ahead and closed the book on the lengthy final chapter of an MMA legend. In order to remember the better days of one of the best 205er of his era, let’s watch this highlight reel and remember better times, like when Suga’ Rashad gave Melvin Guillard a fade on TUF 2.
Lando the Betrayer
When you get a warm welcome in Cloud City, watch out your back. The Groovy One was supposed to make a statement for all people in the world who don’t give a fuck, but in the ultimate who gives a fuck move, he lost a unanimous decision.
But it was fucking awesome anyways. I hereby start a petition to have Lando Vannata fight on every UFC PPV. Sign up for it in the comment section. Until then, never forget:
What Main Event?
So apparently, Tyron Woodley and Wonderboy Thompson fought for the Welterweight title. I’d tell you something about it, but afterward I met this guy in sunglasses and for $10 flashed a red light in my face, and now I can’t remember how I got this coupon for a free Slurpee on my phone.
Darren Elkins, True American Hero
And in the most important event of the night, Darren Elkins withstood one of the worst ass whoopings of all time to stop Mirsad Bektic in the 3rd. It was such a fantastic moment that it almost entirely redeemed him from getting the worst tattoo in MMA, a distinction that is hard to win.)
That’s it. Enjoy your Slurpees.