As you all already know, video game mega-colossus known as Electronic Arts announced at this year’s E3 that they were developing an MMA game entitled ‘EA Sports MMA’. After all the drool was mopped from the floor of the E3 press conference, people started to speculate who would be included in the upcoming game. Feeling some competition for the previously released UFC: Undisputed, Dana White issued a statement that any player appearng in EA Sports MMA would instantly be kicked out of the UFC and any fighter that aspires to join the UFC will be barred from the organization. With rumors that Randy Couture has already been signed to the appear in the game, there may be some exceptions to White’s threats. With that said, we’ve compiled a list of ten fighters that absolutely need to appear in EA Sports MMA…regardless of whether they’re locked in a contract with ZUFFA.
Not including Bobby Lashley in EA MMA is like Transformers not having Optimus Prime in the movie. If NASA did a documentary about how supernovas are made it would be a travesty on the scientific community if they didn’t include Bobby Lashley’s name somewhere in there. Lashley is without a doubt the most anticipated guys rising through the MMA world. We’ve all seen how he treated 300lb+ Bobb Sapp like a doggy play toy in The Ultimate Chaos but the most amazing thing about Lashley’s career thus far was his MFC victory over Mike Cook. It was the most efficient fight…probably ever. Here are the Compustrike numbers:
|Mike Cook||Bobby Lashley|
Done. Fight over in 24 seconds. Dude devours galaxies as a pastime. Galactus has nothing on Bobby Lashley.
Nick Diaz is a must in EA MMA. Before he fights, Diaz should have a special dialogue screen where you can select from a categorical list of insults. You should be able to pick from a variety like the traditional ‘Your mom’ ones or the ‘Come on hit me…hit me’. There should also be an option to just hold your hands up in the middle of the round like you’re about to do the Thriller dance…this could be another part of the insult section. Actually, EA should just bypass the whole fighting thing with Diaz and make it a methodical process to deteriorate your opponents self-esteem. Victory could only be achieved when you drop your opponent’s self-confidence so low that they just tap out. Victory via complete emotional breakdown. Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me has never been in the verbal storm that is Nick Diaz’s mouth (and weird flailing arms). Also, the ability to give your opponent the middle finger during weigh-ins is a definite necessity.
King Mo is known for his intelligent striking and his world class wrestling. Even though Rampage still thinks that he hasn’t be tested, you can’t take away anything from this guy’s raw talent. But we all know that, that would be like 10% of why we would play as King Mo in EA Sports MMA. The other 90% comes in the form of an army of asian fly girls that come out for King Mo’s entrance. Do not deprive us of this EA. Seriously, we need this. We actually meaning ‘I’. I need this. If you’re going to give us the walk out then you have to give us the instant replay along with the zoom, 360 degree camera rotation and the frame by frame (you guys mastered that years ago in Madden. No excuses). According to King Mo, one of the chicks is named Kun-Kun and she’s like the #1 reggae dancer in Japan. We didn’t even know reggae music had dancing other than moving side to side while trying your best not to spill your Red Stripe. To be honest, we didn’t even know there was a reggae dancing circuit in Japan, but there is. In the words of King Mo…’Kun Kun goes hard’.
Shinya Aoki will be a cool character to use if you want to spasm on the ground in an epileptic seizure for about a half hour. Epilepsy is just one of those things you have to accept whenever you play as Shinya Aoki. Dude’s pants wouldn’t even fit in at the San Francisco Pride parade (no not that Pride). Back in 1997, hundreds of Japanese kids spilled their apple juice after convulsing in an epileptic seizure shortly after witnessing Pokemon have the equivalent of an hallucinogenic trip on television. Children were bombarded with enough hyper neon colors to make even these guys jealous. Now, twelve years later these kids (formally known as the kid spazzing out on the floor) still damaged from a colorfully screwed up childhood design Shinya Aoki’s pants. Shinya Aoki is another ankle demolisher specialist like Imanari but you’ll probably be convulsing on the floor long before you even pick up the controller.
Having The Last Emperor in EA MMA is like having the Konami Code condensed into a six foot Russian. Yeah it’s unfair to have the best pound for pound fighter in MMA history in EA Sports MMA. It’s like when you and your friends are talking about which comic book character can beat who and all of a sudden Superman is throw in the mix. You can’t do that and if you try, then you’re that guy.
So the only way that Fedor could functionally have competition in the game is if they throw in some dudes in there like…Green Lantern, Master Chief, Action Jackson…maybe even Predator. We’ve already seen Fedor arm bar the likes of Captain Planet, a Grizzly Bear and God…so those guys are out of the equation. Maybe Fedor shouldn’t even be playable and just be like that big alien final boss thing in Contra. It’s unfair either way because you’re never getting passed Fedor. When he appears on the screen, they should just cut to the credits.
I spend about 3 hours a day reading Frank Trigg’s tweets. When you follow Frank Trigg, you no longer need to watch CNN. Dude makes watching any news source obsolete. Frank Trigg is like the official internet correspondent to the entire planet. He’s the only dude that can pull off tweeting about how Ethiopia has refused a request by Somalia for military support to fight insurgents while everyone was watching Clay Guida and Diego Sanchez brawl in probably the best fight in UFC history. This is why the world friggin loves Frank Trigg. He’s also the only guy that can refer to himself in third person and get away with it (well besides Ricky Henderson).
I would imagine if EA decides to throw Trigg in the game, dude would just sit in the middle of the octagon with a laptop and twitter what’s going down in Sudan. Instant victory, submission by unsolicited world news.
Why should a chick named the ‘Karate Hottie be in a videogame’ where you have complete control of her? What kind of question is that? Well I’m pretty sure everyone would enjoy her rocking an outfit like this or even this. She could come out wearing this and no one would even be bothered. Actually, if she wore something like this people would dig it. I can’t think of a single person who would mind her wearing this or her doing this during the game. Really, even if she came out in this, it would be worth the $59.99 that EA is probably going to charge us. Although it would be better to see something like this or even this rendered digitally. We’re not taking anything away from her fighting ability but if she rocked something like this, this, or this…it would be like granting her bonus points in the game.
You can’t have a videogame about MMA without a dude that has been disqualified for biting an opponent, eye gouging Don Frye and knocking out a referee and then soccer kicking his skull while he’s down. That’s G. Not like the Gatorade commercials, but that’s truly G…like OG. Ice Tea would be proud.
There’s not another dude in the sport that can bring the violence the way Yvel can. He throws it right at your doorstep so when you walk outside you trip over it, look back and reel in absolute fear. We’ve all seen Yvel drop hydrogen bombs on Rizzo’s dome in his that brutal knockout when the referee froze in absolute ‘WTFness’ before he stopped the fight (a few punches too late).
If every MMA fighter was jammed in a plane and it crash landed on an island, Gilbert Yvel would be the first one to start ripping out people’s spleen and gnawing on them to survive…even if the plane landed right next to a McDonalds. The only way Gilbert Yvel could exist on EA Sports MMA is if he had a ‘I want to knee bar your soul’ life bar that could only be replenished by drinking your opponents bile and tearing out their trachea. Yeah, that would work.
For those of you who don’t know, the designers at THQ had everyone nailed on the UFC Undisputed game except your boy Clay Guida. Apparently every time Clay Guida appeared on the screen, dude crashed the entire game. There is no way I’m making it up. Clay Guida was too raw for a videogame. Clay Guida’s hair caused collision detection problems every time the guy would fight so THQ offered Guida $5,000 to shave his head (in real life) for the video game. Dude turned it down and continued to cause havoc on the game engine so they cut him out of UFC Undisputed. But we all know Clay Guida’s true form. Dude is Blanka from Street Fighter. It goes far beyond a resemblance, the guy should be suing Capcom for biting his image. There’s nothing wrong with Guida being half human, we all kind of suspected it for years. Whenever you walk in the cage hunched over and communicate with your corner just by grunting and repeated slaps on the cage…something’s going on with your genetic structure.
Remember how you used to walk on your ankles and could do fun stuff like put socks on them…maybe throw on a tattoo if you’re a girl (or a Mets fan)? Well Masakazu Imanari will cut short all of that ankle fun you’ve enjoyed your entire life in a way that will have you screaming and tapping out in complete awe. Imagine if Brazilian ju-jitsu had a bastard cousin, one that only gets let inside the house on weekends and sleeps on towels. This bastard cousin was named ‘Tourettes Ju-Jitsu’ and was only taught to Masakazu Imanari. That pretty much sums up his method of removing all mobility in your ankles. Dude is the only guy that can pull of sitting in the middle of a ring and still get the win (or at least he should have). If Imanari was in EA MMA, you could tie your controller to a ceiling fan with a shoestring and let it bang against random objects in your room. After about 3 minutes you’ll have your opponent in some crazy flying mid air ankle lock…guaranteed.