Vinny Magalhaes is a guy that can so obviously tool every man, woman and child on the ground that it’s borderline hilarious. Alright, well maybe not so much tool children on the ground — that’s more of a Penn State thing. Magalhaes’ Brazilian jiu-jitsu is the closest thing the world will ever get to a real-life Game Genie. That’s the greatest example I can possibly use to show his dominance in the jiu-jitsu world. It’s like legally cheating. Besides, Vinny Magalhaes can’t help it if he’s the new reigning +99kg ADCC champion. He can’t take back the six gold medals he snatched at the Rio de Janeiro State Jiu-Jitsu Championship Tournament, or the Brazilian National Jiu-Jitsu Championship gold medal he has sitting on his stack of other gold medals he obtained from being the American National Jiu-Jitsu Champion. Vinny can’t help that he’s dominant in jiu-jitsu. He suffers from an illness known as ‘tapticulous,’ symptoms include forcing other people to tap if they unfortunately venture into his vicinity. It’s highly contagious. Vaccinate your children this Winter.
For some ridiculous reason, the Las Vegas oddmakers disregarded this blatant fact and made Magalhaes the underdog against Igor tonight at UFC 152. Fortunately for the few gambling degenerates out there, you probably racked up an enormous amount of one dollar bills tonight. Congratulations. Now go make a down payment on the new iPhone 5 — you techno-hippie. Props to our bud Magalhaes on a stunning win in an equally stunning fashion.