Jose Aldo, Alistair Overeem, Bigfoot Silva, Frankie Edgar, Rashad Evans, Lil Nog, Demian Maia, Jon Fitch, Ian McCall, Joseph Benavidez, Jay Hieron, Tyron Woodley, Gleison Tibau, Evan Dunham, Jacob Volkmann, Bobby Green, Edwin Figueroa, Francisco Rivera — stay the [expletive] inside in a padded room and wear a construction helmet until the night of February 2nd. We don’t even need a weigh-in — there’s a microscopic chance that one of you may slip on the scale and injury a body part — and we simply can’t afford that. Someone just name a small mammal we need to sacrifice to the MMA gods in order to get an injury-free UFC 156 and I’ll grab the nearest kitchen knife and go to work. I’m sure one of you can take a visit to Home Depot in order to build an alter. The MMA gods are picky — all small mammal sacrifices must occur on neatly-cut plywood for some reason.
We’re not even leaving anyone out in our list of fighters — that’s literally everyone that’s scheduled for the event. That is also a horrible use of the word ‘literally.’ UFC 156 is like 2013’s Affliction: Day of Reckoning. That’s literally an amazing use of an MMA reference (but still a horrible use of ‘literally’). Perhaps you should just watch this newly released trailer of UFC 156 that will most likely incite violent thoughts within each of you, literally.