The Top Ten WTF Moments of 2010

 

Most often times in this universe, things are presented to us as an entire entity, unphased by civilization’s lack of understanding. Human understanding is not a requisite for something to sit firmly in this world and make your mind explode whenever you attempt to comprehend it. Sometimes objects or scenarios will just leave you isolated, trapped in your prison of confusion with the only words coming from your mouth being: WTF. Occasionally, this phenomena happens in mixed martial arts, and when it does, every element of jaw-droppingness is still retained. Check out our list of The Top Ten WTF Moments of 2010, only at MiddleEasy.com

Don’t sit there in your Wal-Mart swively chair and act like you forgot that moment of Moosin: God of Martial arts that had you reeling from your computer monitor in absolute fear. It was like a clip from that sequence in the movie The Ring that was somehow discarded on the cutting-room floor because the director didn’t want everyone’s eye-sockets to implode in their skulls immediately after viewing it. It was the moment that you never thought was coming, and if you did, you have some sort of telepathic power that should be studied in some underground government facility (note to everyone that may be telepathic: let me know your secrets, email me).

For those of you who missed one of the many miscellaneous MMA cards of 2010 that actually turned to be rather decent (Shark Fights definitely fits in there), then chances are you missed the Butterbean promoted event, Moosin: God of Martial Arts. The event featured Roxanne Modaferri, Tara LaRosa, Tim Sylvia and Mariusz Pudzianowski. This was just around the time when everyone in the MMA world thought Mariusz had ascended to ‘frate trane’ status and the only person that could possibly derail him was the original (and now former) frate trane himself: Brock Lesnar.

Those were the fun times of MMA. Back when we thought Fedor was unstoppable and that it would be impossible for Chael Sonnen to manhandle Anderson Silva for four rounds, only to be stopped by a triangle for the depths of heaven in the fifth. We also thought that it was impossible for one person to produce a mean-mug that would have the ability to scramble genetic code. This Bostonian fan at Moosin: God of Martial Arts makes Nick Diaz look like a young padawan. Check out perhaps the scariest fan you will ever witness at an MMA event and props to the camera man for the extended shot of this guy in all of his glory.

 

War Machine. Not that War Machine, but this War Machine. The War Machine formally known as Jonathan Koppenhaver. You may remember seeing him on The Ultimate Fighter: Team Hughes vs. Team Serra in which he depressed half of America by telling a story of how when he was 14, War Machine tried to give CPR to his dad, was unsuccessful, and pretty much watched his father die. After getting cut from the show due to a somewhat controversial decision, War Machine went on to sign a 10-fight contract with the UFC. After getting offered names like Brandon Wolff, Mr.Machine (we’re serious, that’s his legal last name) told Joe Silva that he needed better competition and he wasn’t going to fight until he could bang against the big namers. After War Machine’s blog post in which he wished someone would place a bullet between Barack Obama’s head things started to get pretty hectic. He was dropped from the UFC and was somehow cut from Bellator before the dude even fought. War Machine also said that he doesn’t like to be around too many humans. From the time he broke the news to MiddleEasy that he was going to transition from mixed martial arts to pornography, Machine embarked on a path of social resistance seldom traveled by the rest of the population. Who else would spend an entire weekend arguing with Brett Rogers on Twitter only to find out that he was trolled the entire time?

In late 2009, War Machine went to a party hosted by an esteemed member of his newly found pornography career and managed to transition to ‘Kill Mode’ according to one of the porn colleagues at the party.

…”This looked like something out of a bad Vince McMahon script as this guy War Machine went nuts and began taking everyone on at this party,” The Vizier says. “We’re talking multiple assaults and battery with the cops after him.”

“War Machine’s own agent, Derek Hay, looked to be the primary target with a couple of shots to the head. Mika Tan’s Ex was KO’d as well & sent to hospital.”

“I never saw anything like it,” continued The Vizier. “War Machine was in kill mode. His fists were lethal weapons. Anyone who tried to get between him and Derek got taken down – hard.”

Of course here is War Machine’s official response which includes a hilarious and uncomfortable ‘LOL’ placed at the end.

However, that particular altercation wasn’t the one that landed War Machine in the slammer for a year. After trying to sell his kidneys on eBay to earn a little extra cash, we interviewed War Machine on March 29th about his radical life turn-around that he so often mentioned on Twitter.

I never said I was leaving MMA all together. I always said I was going to fight again. Dude, I have like two court cases in Vegas right now. I’m on probation in San Diego. Then I got in that fight at that porn party, I almost caught a case for that.

I’m a wild man bro. I live my life recklessly because I never really cared to see the future. I literally thought that once I got to like 45-50 years old, I would just kill myself. That’s why I’ve always lived the way I lived.

I have a fiance now, me and my partner are going to open up a gym. I have all these things that are lining up and being a wild man is not good for anything. I’ve done enough stuff, I’ve done everything there is to do. It’s time for me to [expletive] play by the rules. I think if I don’t straighten up, I’m just going to end up in jail. It’s doing me no good to keep bucking the system because I can’t change things. It sounds like I’m a quitter but I’m just being smart. I have to open this gym, get married, calm down and start training.

Within 48 hours after conducting this interview, War Machine was arrested of another assault outside of a San Diego night club and police even placed a strange bag over his head to prevent him from spitting at authorities.

 

We all thought this would just be another hilarious hurdle that War Machine would effortlessly dodge until video footage of the scrap was released in court during the trial.

 

The segment of footage sealed War Machine’s fate. The judge ordered a year in prison for the fighter formally known as Jon Koppenhaver and within days, the guy who the MMA world never thought would be imprisoned was now serving time in a San Diego detention facility.

Even behind bars, War Machine found a way to grab the system by the neck and poke it in the eyes with both of his fingers. War Machine begin to give his followers updates on his trials and tribulations in jail including ethnic breakdowns of the prison system and a list of ‘who he could trust’ in the slammer. After the judge discovered that War Machine was in fact blogging behind bars, War Machine was sent directly to state prison as a form of ‘timeout’ by Judge Danielsen.

“After a brief break, (Judge) Danielsen said he was alarmed by the defendant’s actions in court and statements made to a probation officer in preparation for sentencing.

He said he would not honor the plea agreement, set another hearing for Aug. 24 and told prosecutor Michael Runyon to prepare the case for trial.

“It really is a state prison case,” the judge said. “If (War Machine) is guilty of this felony conduct, he should go to state prison.”

Outside court, Runyon told reporters the judge was concerned about the defendant’s attitude and his characterization of the incidents to which he pleaded guilty.

Before the hearing, Runyon gave the judge several tweets from War Machine’s Twitter account, in which the defendant says, “wish I could smuggle a few hundred Ambien in (to jail) in sleep the year away!”

He also says he wasn’t even involved in a fight at a bar in which he is accused of punching a security guard, and “I do ME and don’t change for anything or suck up to ANYONE.”

“(Judge Danielsen) wants him to take a timeout,” the prosecutor said.

Somehow, War Machine still manages to send tweets from prison and has even used his Twitter to call out his former friend, Junie Browning. We’re still in disbelief that War Machine is actually in prison, so much so that we even have shirts to prove it.

 

Never before have vampire pirate thugs been so well integrated into a piece of cinema. Robert Rodriquez only wishes he had some of the acumen that the directors of the Grachan 5 trailer had. Nothing about this trailer makes any sense, and if you think it does, you’re lying to yourself. The video starts off with a crew of ‘neo-thugs’ roaming the streets of Tokyo with some quickly jabbering punk/hip-hop in the background. The promo for Grachan 5 eventually follows this spiral of strange Insane Clown Posses undertones and concludes with an underground concert of people jumping around in a basement. The Grachan 5 video is similar to nougat – no one fully understands it, but everyone accepts it when it’s sandwiched in between other edible candy. This extraordinary video compliments the post-fight antics of Grachan 5 which included a fighter attacking his downed opponent and referee – but personally, I think all the antics were all staged.

 

This entry has been filed under ‘C’ for ‘I can’t believe I just wasted three days of my life on this crap’. I want it back, all of it. I don’t care what it takes Tito and Jenna, bend the fabric of time and space for all I care. Thousands of people across the world have exerted sincere emotion towards your ‘turmoil’ and then you’re going to tell us ‘it was all a misunderstanding’? Come on guys. Just, come on.

The entire time, I could have been watching Sakuraba vs. Wandy on my DVR if I didn’t have to tell people that both of their allegations are bunk. Let me summarize exactly what happened before I lose interest and move on to the next number on the list.

On April 26th 2010, TMZ reported that Tito Ortiz was involved in felonious domestic violence and allegedly hit his ex-pornstar girlfriend, Jenna Jameson. Cops reported that Jenna Jameson had ‘visible injuries’ and Tito Ortiz was detained to the Huntington Beach jail in Orange County, CA. It took TMZ only a couple hours to release a video of Tito Ortiz being placed in a police vehicle and Jenna Jameson sobbing on camera next to one of her relatives. Since the incident, both videos have been removed from the TMZ archive so all of you will have to use your imagination (your sick, twisted imagination). Tito grabbed his lawyers and had a press conference the next day to proclaim his innocence.

Shortly before Tito’s press conference, Jenna dropped the charges against him, but that wasn’t before Ortiz accused her of being addicted to Oxycontin. Jenna continued to pursue her prosecution of The Huntington Beach Bad Boy, and the next day, TMZ broke the news that Tito never hit Jenna Jameson and the entire thing was one big misunderstanding.

Jenna, who accused Tito of injuring her during an argument, now tells TMZ, “What actually happened has now been dramatically distorted and misinterpreted and remarks that both Tito and I made after the police arrived reflect the state of shock that we were both in.” Translation — he didn’t hurt me.

As for Tito, we’re told he’s now backing off what he strongly insinuated … that Jenna is an OxyContin addict. We’re told Tito’s position now is that he found two OxyContin pills in a pair of her pants pocket and may have jumped to conclusions. Jenna says the pills were very old. And, as we first reported, Jenna tested negative for drugs this week.

Tito’s lawyer, Chip Matthews, tells TMZ the whole thing was “a big misunderstanding.”

The absolute definition of a WTF moment. We were all trolled.

 

I was fortunate enough to not being doing anything else with my life earlier this year other than documenting James Toney’s diaspora from boxing into MMA. James Toney will forever go down as my second favorite boxer out there. Anyone that says ‘I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it’s egotistical, but I have it in me. I don’t want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls‘ pretty much wins my vote as greatest boxer of all time (we love you Tyson and thanks for making me slam my NES controller on my parent’s coffee table in frustration). James Toney has a record of 72-6 and the dude is still the current NABO and IBA Heavyweight champion. When he was questioned about his alleged steroid use, Toney said If I’m the poster boy for steroids, steroids is going out of business‘. In an interview with BallerStatus.com, Toney opened up about MMA and Brock Lesnar.

“[Boxing’s] gone downhill because look at the fighters we got…Everybody is scared to fight each other. That’s the main reason why people are going from boxing to MMA, because MMA is putting on the fights that everybody wanna see … My daddy was one of them MMA guys. I love it. I like watching it. They putting on the best shows. That’s why the boxing people get mad because they getting all the fans. They’re giving the fans all the good matches, which should be done in boxing. I watch it, but they can’t mess with me … I like [Quinton] Rampage [Jackson]. I like watching … not Brock Lesnar. He’s phony. Fedor Emelianenko, he aight. Georges St. Pierre.”

Props goes to James Toney for knowing who Fedor is. On December 8th in an interview with FightHype, Toney started launching verbal overhand rights towards Dana White with claims that Dana had to quit boxing because he repeatedly was getting knocked out in Boston.

“Tell Dana White he can suck my [expletive]. That’s why he calls out them bum ass fighters. He called out Roy Jones and Floyd Mayweather, but they ain’t calling James Toney out because they don’t want to see me. They have the same excuse that I am old, fat and short. Well, come and see me then because it should be easy for them.”

“Everybody thinks that I couldn’t fight in a cage. I got one of the baddest [expletive] in the world in my corner, man. “Pops” is one of the original cage fighting masters when he was fighting over there in Indonesia and won. I know all of the [expletive] that they think I don’t know. Dana White is a frustrated fighter because he used to be a boxer back in Boston and was getting knocked out every week, so he had to quit.”

The logic at the time was: If Ray Mercer can KO the former UFC heavyweight champion in nine seconds, James Toney jumping into MMA isn’t that nutty. It wasn’t until James Toney had a face-to-face confrontation with Dana White at the UFC 108 press conference that it started to get ‘real’.

 

Within three days, Dana White and James Toney held a secret meeting (presumably in Tennessee) and Uppercutmagazine.com stuck a camera inside, making it a not-so-secret meeting after all. We’re not sure if Dana White even knows this tape exists, but from the footage we knew that James Toney planned to bring his ‘front kick, back kick, side kick, check kick’ to the cage.

Suddenly, the absurd notion of James Toney signing with the UFC wasn’t so absurd at all and on January 18th, James Toney told FightHype that Dana White offered him a UFC contract, but he simply laughed at the one-dollar bills attached to it.

“Dana White’s first offer was a joke and that lets me know he really don’t want to do this.”

“I know that [purses in MMA aren’t as big as in boxing], but this offer was laughable. That’s the reason I wanted the camera guy in the room with us when I sat down with Dana, so the fans would know that I was serious and if it didn’t happen, it wasn’t because of me.”

James Toney then upgraded his smack-talk to the realm of YouTube by producing a series of vlogs expertly crafted by his ‘hypeman’ who occasionally appeared in the background and threw his hands up after Toney said something that implied that a UFC fighter was lesser of a man, all of which have been removed from YouTube — and it’s a shame because they were jam-packed with raweseome.

Around February 24th 2010, James Toney was offered a five-fight deal with the UFC with the stipulation that Toney could no longer box. After calling Dana White a ‘straight up ho’, Toney turned down the contract insisting that Dana ‘must have lost his damn mind’.

On the morning of March 3rd 2010, it was reported that Toney signed a multi-fight deal with the UFC with his first fight being the UFC hall-of-famer Randy Couture. Actually, Randy Couture wasn’t announced until a much later date, but everyone from Keith Jardine to Vitor Belfort wanted a crack at the NABO and IBA champion.

Of course, we all remember how that fight against Randy Couture went down at UFC 118, but in reality James Toney had the last laugh with an estimated $750,000 – $1,000,000 earned in his MMA debut (all of which allegedly confiscated by the IRS shortly after the bout). James Toney still continues to call out fighters like Rampage Jackson with the allegation that he’s a ‘black red-neck’.

As I sit in this London hotel lobby on Christmas day, I still can’t believe that we were legitimately sold into the James Toney hype-machine and I was one of the schlemiels that bought into it. Damn. Well, at least we now know Jame Toney’s kick distribution.

 

Suspend the belief that everyone on this earth is instilled with a marginal shred of morality. There are some people out there that create business models that revolve around impoverished kids attaching 3,000,000 volt stun-guns to gloves and fighting outside in make-shift rings. Also, small note to any future promoter out there: if you’re starting a MMA promotion, don’t start by immediately calling out the UFC and above all else, don’t create a website with an image of the UFC logo on a tombstone.

ShockFights promoted itself on the premise that by attaching stun guns to MMA gloves and removing judges and rules from competition, it was by default the most extreme form of fighting in the world. We were in contact with the owner of ShockFights who offered us press-passes to cover the first ‘official’ event. Unfortunately, that day never arrived and with just a few months under its belt, ShockFights became a relic of antiquity with the only known video of the event being pulled from YouTube under the guise that it was considered ‘torture’. It’s cool, we saved it before the company removed it. Yes, I know — we’re awesome.

{loadposition shockfights}

 

On June 23rd 2010, I received an email from an employee of a large independent research firm. Inside the email, was actually another email, but one addressed to Dana White that was sent out on August 23rd 2006. It was evidence used in the Viacom vs. YouTube lawsuit that wrapped up previously that day. It was not a hoax and all the contents of the email was verified. I blurred out the email addresses as a courtesy to those involved, but it appeared that Dana White approved of creating ‘hijacked’ video in order for people to ‘pose as fans’ and ‘hammer’ message boards with ‘leaked video’. Don’t take my word, check it out for yourself.

The mentioned episode is from TUF Season 4 entitled ‘Blood Bath’. Props to Gregor for the find.

Since this article was published, it lends evidence that the term ‘UFC shill’ just isn’t something muttered on message boards to incite someone to come back with some borderline hilarious response. These people actually exist and they are being paid under the ZUFFA banner. It’s not a rumor, folks. The evidence is right there, staring at you in your face — and if you don’t believe it, you’re a UFC shill.

 

You could live for the next ten thousand years, travel the earth barefoot, climb the highest mountain and master every religion on this planet and you will not find a single reason why this story of Vyacheslav Datsik can not be classified as ‘bonkers’. If God truly exists, then Datsik undoubtedly bullied him in highschool. Stolen lunch money, sporadic wedgies at recess, The Almighty had it hard back in those days and all fingers should be pointed in Vyacheslav Datsik’s general direction.

In Pankration, Datsik faced off against Vitali Shkraba where he repeatedly kicked and stomped on his testicles as Shkraba rolled around in pain. The referee had to restrain Datsik with a forearm choke that nearly killed him. After losing his last six fights, his former training partner and alleged gay lover, Oleg Titov, spread rumors that Datsik died in a train wreck. The rumors were deemed false when St. Petersburg police arrested Viacheslav Datsik for a string of robberies at mobile phone stores across Russia. Since 2007, Datsik has been incarcerated in a high security psychiatric clinic but was transferred to a low-security facility last month. On August 25th 2010, according to Russia’s Fontanka News, Vyacheslav Datsik escaped the psychiatric ward he was housed in by using his bare hands.

He tore a hole in a chain-link fence with his bare hands and fled. We immediately informed police about his escape”

The next day, a St. Petersburg mobile phone store notified the police that someone raided the store and made off with 7000 rubles and a Nokia phone. When the police arrived, a salesman identified the phone thief as none other than your boy, Viacheslav Datsik.

Within a few days after his escape, a promo was cut that showed an overweight Datsik ‘sparring’ with a guy that was less than a fraction of his size. The video was like something out of a Harmony Korine film, but unfortunately it has been removed from YouTube, probably due to the bizarre actions that followed after the video was published.

An interview with his former psychiatrist revealed that Vyacheslav Datsik had a bizarre string of behavior that led up to his bare-handed escape in this interview with Sports.Ru.

“He behaved like a criminal. A clever criminal. Datsik was aggressive only towards the prisoners (in asylum) and sick inmates. He never attacked the medical staff. He could only try to scare us a little bit. These things are a sign of how well he managed to maintain the critical aspects of his sanity. His intelligence hasn’t reduced. He quietly opened his cell, walked through the garden, talking on a cell phone, beating up and crippling other prisoners. He could easily kick out the door and walk into any medical staff room. Vyacheslav would often say the he wants to sit and drink some tea with us”

The previous quote can only be applied to Viacheslav Datsik from now until the moon crashes into the sun.

MiddleEasy reader Petter J tipped me off to one of the most ridiculously insane Datsik sequence of events that followed his psychiatric ward escape that made headlines in Norway. Whenever a Norwegian headline reads ‘Armed Nazi-Russian tore down fence and escaped to Norway’, you just know the LOLcopter is not that far away. Viacheslav Datsik tried to get his ‘green card’ into Norway but was apprehended by the police after he handed over a loaded gun in the immigration office. The group made it to Norway by floating on a rubber dingy across the ocean. Datsik and two of his friends were placed in a Norwegian jail in order for the government to make arrangements for the group to return to Russia. The case was transferred to an organized crime unit due to alleged ties with Datsik and ‘Vigrid’, a Norwegian Neo-Nazi organization.

Yes, I realize all of that sounds unbelievable, but thank you for reminding me.

Datsik cut a video of his failed Norwegian immigration attempt with footage of him handing over a gun to the office, but it was removed from YouTube because it violated the companies ‘terms of use’ policies.

A few days after Datsik was detained by immigration authorities, the Norwegian newspaper, ‘The Dagbladet‘, stated that a SWAT-type police unit knew about Datsik’s activities and kept him under constant surveillance, but it seemed like they too were in awe at Viacheslav Datsik’s erratic behavior. The term ‘erratic’ may be cutting Datsik a little short in his level of craziness. For that, we apologize. I think CagePotato said it best with the term: “[Expletive] Crazy Neo-Nazi MMA Fighter”.

At around 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon, Datsik’s tattoo shop was raided and police discovered a surplus of illegal weapons and Nazi paraphernalia including a large doll dressed up as a Nazi near the front entrance of the shop.

The newspaper interviewed residents near the tattoo shop who claimed they ‘often heard loud noise, screaming and banging’. The neighbors also stated they would occasionally see the occupants of the tattoo shop ‘practicing fighting and boxing while completely naked‘.

According to Norway’s leading newspaper, ‘VG Nett‘ (translated by MiddleEasy reader Erik C), Viacheslav Datsik entered court with Neo-Nazi regalia and asked the judge to make his trial hearing ‘open to the public’.

“MMA-practitioner “Red Tarzan” Vyacheslav Datsik appeared in court today greeting the judge with a Nazi salute. After the salute, he shook the judge’s hand and bowed in front of him. Appearing in court with a black t-shirt with Nazi symbols, he allowed the press to take photos of him. Even though both the media and Datsik made claims that the trial should be open to the public, the judge still chose to close the door from the media. Police attorney from the sector of “Organized Crime”, Kathrine Tonstad, said that there was still a lot of information surrounding the case that had not yet reached the public and that it would be in the best interest of the investigation to close the court doors from the media today.”

Confiscated weapons, illegal immigration, dolls dressed like Nazis and naked MMA practice. Yep, it all makes sense.

On October 29th 2010, a Norwegian psychiatrist concluded that Datsik doesn’t have a mental disorder and Datsik’s lawyers are using this diagnosis to illustrate that Russian authorities made up the psychiatric diagnosis, which essentially means that Datsik should stay in Norway as a political refugee. Datsik also claims that Russian authorities placed electrodes on his genitals and locked him in an iron cage for eight months, naked and handcuffed.

To this day, Datsik is still imprisoned by Norwegian authorities and has even requested that his girlfriend be sent to Norway to accompany him while his geographical fate is decided.

Wait, Datsik has a girlfriend?

 

Place a pillow over your mouth because by the end of this one, you will be screaming Holy [expletive] or some variation of curse word that may be offensive to some. 26-year old MMA fighter, Jarrod Wyatt, ripped his 21-year old friend’s still beating heart from his chest as well as his eye after ingesting a hefty dose of what appeared to be mushroom tea. Apparently the blood was so immense, that the entire house was made into a crime scene. Here’s the initial report from Times-Standard which includes some gruesome details. Be warned.

The man, Justin Davis, had been there earlier in the day and saw Wyatt acting strangely after drinking “some kind of mushroom tea,” according to the statement. Davis left for Crescent City, but returned later to pick up his dog. Davis arrived to find Wyatt standing in the living room naked and covered with blood, according to the statement. Wyatt told Davis, according to the statement, that he was going to cut out Powell’s heart. Davis went to a nearby pay phone to call law enforcement.

A deputy arrived at the residence and reportedly saw Wyatt on the couch with Powell’s body, which was covered in blood and had most of its face removed. A large incision in the chest could be seen, and other unspecified body parts had been removed. An eyeball was resting in the middle of the room, according to the statement.

Wyatt allegedly told the deputy that he’d cut Powell’s heart out and thrown it into the fire.

Powell’s death certificate reads that he died from having his heart removed while he was still alive, causing him to bleed to death. It also lists as significant blunt force trauma to the head and neck, and compression of the neck.

What appeared to be wild mushrooms were in the kitchen, the deputy reported. The deputy also discovered a marijuana garden in the house when he went to search for additional victims, the statement reads.

Another report from The Australian says that a passerby saw Jarrod Wyatt naked and covered in blood as he hovered over his friend’s lifeless body. When Jarrod Wyatt’s trial began, the former MMA fighter pled not guilty of the crime by reason of insanity.

Jarrod Wyatt, charged with murdering his sparring partner and accused of allegedly removing his friend’s heart, tongue and most of his face has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity.

Sheriff’s deputies say they found Wyatt naked and bloody on March 21. Powell’s body was on a couch next to him with an 18-inch incision in the chest and most of the face removed.

Wyatt was apparently convinced that the world was about to end and that Powell was the Devil, according to the Times-Standard.

Satan was in that dude,” Wyatt allegedly told Del Norte County Police Sgt. Elwood Lee, who responded to the scene.

Lee told the northern California paper that Wyatt also cooked Powell’s severed body parts in a wood stove because he thought Powell was still alive.

Witnesses at a preliminary hearing said Wyatt and Powell had ingested hallucinogenic mushrooms. According to his lawyer, Wyatt suffered a psychotic breakdown because of the drugs.

My client was trying to silence the devil,” Wyatt’s defense attorney James Fallman told the Times-Standard.

This dude. Wow. Based on the bizarre circumstance of the crime (under the influence of a hallucinogen), there’s a good chance Wyatt may in-fact get off with a ‘not-guilty’ verdict. Don’t expect him to be roaming the streets of Southern California anytime soon though.  Jarrod Wyatt will most likely spend the better part of his life ‘rehabilitating’ inside a mental institution. Stay off the drugs kids.

 

You must not forget this moment actually happened.

It was the single most defining moment in MMA history and by far the largest WTF moment in 2010. In retrospect, it would take two submissions to defeat the greatest of all time. If a picture speaks a thousand words, then I will let that image of Fedor being triangled and armbared rattle on the for the rest of eternity.

After ten years, we found out the rumors are false. Fedor is not a cybernetic, time-traveling robot from the future. He’s a human being that — makes mistakes. I know, it’s a lot of information to ingest, so I’ll give you guys a minute to gather your emotions. Are you good now? In that minute, I found and killed a roach that was crawling up my wall. Vastly more productive than your sobbing in the corner of your mother’s guest room.

The post-fight press conference held minutes after Fedor’s first loss in a decade was filled with a room of roughly eighty journalists in complete silence. Everyone sort of knew they were somehow a part of the greatest upset in MMA history and we all held on to every word The Last Emperor said. Here’s the video from that strange moment for you guys to re-live.

I don’t really like to see evil clown masks, or look at white chicks with gold grills in their mouths or see train wrecks happen-but still these are all things that when I do see them-I just can’t look away. Extreme fight injuries are kind of the same way. We’ve already brought you forehead wounds that look like wombs about to give birth, and the most dry heave inducing staph infection pictures ever and now we want to show you MMA’s top ten freakishly horrific fractures. Watching these the first time around was bad enough, but having to go back and rehash these traumatic events was almost too much to for me to take. Jason IM’d me and asked me did I think I could ‘nadle’ it. Apparently, what he meant to type was ‘handle’, and not ‘nadle’. That’s good news because, I can’t nadle anything. Its just not anatomically possible for me to nadle. Now that you’ve all gone and figured out what nadle means-I hope this list does not induce any nadling. The only acceptable body part that this list should cause to wildly flail about is your arms as you try to shake off the skin crawling heebie geebies you get from watching what happens to bones when they attempt to defy the laws of phsics.

It seems inevitable that someone will again refuse to tap to a man who collects the arms and legs of his fallen opponents as trophies. When will people learn that the Tobikan Judan gets an immense amount of satisfaction out of hearing the pops of your tendons. There aren’t many people in this world that can say they know what it feels like to almost tear off someones arm. If there was a college level course on literally pulling someone apart with your bare hands Shinya Aoki would be the Professor.

“When I had his arm behind his back, I could feel it popping,” Aoki said. “I thought, ‘Well, this guy’s pride just won’t let him tap, will it?’ So without hesitation, I broke it. I heard it break, and I thought, ‘Ah, there, I just broke it.’ I was stopped afterward, but even if I hadn’t been, continuing to break it more would have been fine by me”

NO ONE gets more satisfaction out of hearing tendons snap than The Baka Survivor.

 

 

We’re moving onto high school brawlers in this fight organization. Rather than keeping things hidden in bathrooms or basements, these kids fight in their parent’s yards and nobody seems to get in their way. What you’ll see in some of these videos is a bunch of kids who actually look like they train in various MMA disciplines and get together to practice after school. While fighting is still somewhat taboo in society, these kids really break the suburban mold by skipping their high school football tryouts and jumping right on the MMA bandwagon instead. There are other high school fight clubs out there, but this particular one makes the number nine spot on our list because it has a fully-loaded Youtube channel of backyard brawls and they weren’t caught like those Howard Fight Club n00bs. Check out one of the better fights from the Backyard Octagon:

 

 

 

Back in January, I was helping my friend Joe shovel snow off his driveway until he launched a snowball at my head. I dropped my shovel, shot for a double and stuffed his face full of snow. Eventually, his wife yelled at us to cut it out and finish cleaning off the driveway; we obeyed. If we all lived in Russia, Joe would probably get her to shovel the driveway while we invited over some more friends and this is what her front yard would look like:

 

 

According to their website: Felony Fights is ‘physical combat between convicted criminals who served time in prison for “unusually violent” crimes; brought together in underground locations in an attempt to harm and gain power over their opponent through the use of force with blows or weapons.’ Additionally, there are no rules or judges, so pretty much anything goes. While a part of this belongs filed-away somewhere in our WTF section, the other part of it belongs on this list. See what happens when you take ex-convicts who learned to fight in prison and pin them up against one another for no reason besides getting it on film for our entertainment.

 

 

If you watch some of their more gruesome clips like this one or this one, you’ll find all the reasons why you should never fight outside of a controlled environment. Not only do unsanctioned fight have disaster written all over them from the get-go, the outcomes are often life-threatening late stoppages. We can’t reiterate enough that you don’t try this at home.

 

 

It would just be irresponsible of any top ten list that utilizes the word “backyard” without paying royalties to Kimbo Slice. Perhaps his MMA career didn’t pan out the way he hoped, he still remains one of the most famous viral video sensations in the world. Dude single-handedly got millions of viewers to start watching professional MMA with his debut in Elite XC. Still to this day, Kimbo is responsible for three of the four most watched MMA events in history, which earns him the number six spot on our list. Regardless of where his career takes him, he’ll always be the toughest guy at any BBQ and the videos below are proof.

 

Din Thomas should probably have his own top ten list of reasons why he’s the man. After his win over Gabe Lemey, he got on the mic and called out Chris Brown, letting Rhianna know that he’s ready to lay an ass-whooping on the recording artist whenever she says the word. Din also has a 52 volume set of DVDs where he teaches you 1001 submissions. No, we’re no not kidding. He’s already claimed the number eight spot on our top ten list of fighters you should build a shrine to and I feel like I should be handing him a lifetime achievement award. All I can offer him from a journalistic standpoint is moving up the ranks to number five on this list for his work in creating an unsanctioned underground fight club in his gym in Palm Springs, Florida.

After being arrested the charges were eventually dropped once the judge saw that all his fighters were actually students trying to gain experience and the entrance fee went towards a raffle instead of illegally paying fighters for unsanctioned bouts. Din Thomas had all his basis covered, and thankfully, he didn’t have to spend five years in jail where his awesomeness would go to waste. While we don’t have video of this particular underground fight club, it still gets a spot on the list. If you don’t like it, Din will exile you to a fruit stand in Nicaragua where you’ll wear straw hats, smoke cigarettes, and sell bananas until you’re old and frail.

 

You start with a two fighters in a ring, and that’s where the similarities between Shockfights and any other combat sports end. There are no judges, skill levels, weight classes, or rules; it’s just you, an opponent, and 3,000,000 volt tasers strapped to each hand. That’s not a typo. I proofread it. The only way to win is via submission or “shock out“. While their website was taken down and the organization seems to have disappeared for good, Shockfights used to boast disclaimers such as ‘too dangerous for those “ultimate” fighters…’ and we still have old screenshots of what their attempts at marketing used to look like. Below is the only known footage of Shockfights actually taking place. Let’s all be collectively be thankful as a human race that this loony hybrid of MMA disappeared forever.

 

 

DaDa 5000 is a legend in Florida. While he didn’t invent backyard brawling, he did gave it a face-lift and a classy pair of clear stilettos. Dude has everything from a food court to VIP seating for backyard MMA enthusiasts. The guy he hired to man his BBQ grill looks just like Melvin Manhoef and that right there is worth the price of admission alone. Everything about DaDa’s showa looks legit, except the actual ring made out of caution tape and a somewhat pooly-maintained lawn. Even Ultimate Fighter contestant Bruce Leroy was spotted honing his skills before he got the call from Spike TV. I could go on about DaDa 5000 for days, but let him tell you all about it instead.

 

 

 

Of all the wild happenings in New York City, somehow MMA is still publicly frowned upon (and illegal). In a city with nearly 5,000 bars and just about 5,000 bar-fights every night, it would seem that New York has a moral dilemma with sanctioning MMA. Besides collecting tax revenue to help alleviate that $54,500,000,000 in state debt, people like NY Assemblyman Bob Reilly continue to lobby against the sport insisting it’s no different than cockfighting.

New Yorkers are generally pretty creative people, and they often find ways to get around stupid legislative interferences like this one. The folks over at No Mas have been long-time supporters of underground boxing culture and it’s subsequent influence on society. They’ve been slowly turning their focus towards MMA in recent days; particularly the depths to which local fighters go to participate in a sport their state won’t allow them to. Check out this short video they created showcasing NYC’s Underground Combat League.

 

 

There’s a cult following behind our pick for the number one underground fight league. If you’ve never heard of Rio Heroes, you probably still think the tooth fairy exists. This underground fight league took the internet by storm and capitalized on the fans that weren’t quite ready to give up soccer kicks and bare-knuckle brawling under the rest of the world’s unified rules. Heaps of Brazilians got their first taste of MMA through Rio Heroes, and even more fighters throughout the world followed in the organization’s footsteps of underground fighting. This was the closest thing you’d ever find to Fight Club Fighters like Flavio Alvaro (27-8) and Pedro Santos (24-7) were Rio Heroes Champions before they were ever recognized in bigger promotions. These guys were like the Kimbo Slice and DaDa 5000’s of the Brazil, except their skills translated seamlessly into successful pro careers.

Between DVD sales and web-streamed PPVs events, they actually made some decent money which translated into average prize purses of around $2,000 (USD) for each participant. While it doesn’t sound like much, it’s about $2,000 more than most fighters earn at any other underground event. Taking into account how far that kind of money can take you in Brazil, and you’ll find that these promoters did more for the combatants than what some ‘legitimate’ organizations do for their fighters today. You could spend weeks going through all their underground fights on Youtube, pinning grapplers against strikers and men against women. Eventually Rio Heroes was raided by the police and the people responsible for promoting it were slapped with minor charges of aiding illegal gambling. Along with a small fine, they basically got away with running the most famous underground fight organization ever. Well worthy of the number one spot on our list.

 

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