Gabriel Gonzaga talks like he’s trained his entire life to perfect the art of dismembering humans with a blunt chainsaw. The sense of humor emanating from Gabriel Gonzaga is parallel to Salvador Dali’s ‘Swans Reflecting Elephants.’ You may try to comprehend it all in one sitting, but doing so will only form some incurable brain tumor deep inside your skull. Take it in doses. The last thing I need is any of my readers dying off because their cerebellum malfunctioned while taking in everything that is Gabriel Gonzaga. At times, judging by his YouTube videos we’re not sure if Gabriel Gonzaga is pulling us along for a multitude of elaborate troll jobs. Perhaps he’s just that eccentric and we’ve mistakenly interpreted his archive of videos as downright strange and borderline scary.
In any case, we’ve composed a list of The Top Ten Most Bizarre and Unintentionally Creepy YouTube Videos Uploaded by Gabriel Gonzaga for all of you to indulge in.
Gabriel Gonzaga is always in the constant pursuit of slapping the MMA world with a collection of bizarre ‘how-to’ videos — and I don’t think I will ever grow weary of them. First we all learned the proper way to kick down a blue wall with a well-placed front kick. It’s something that I want to see someone out there duplicate and not get arrested on charges on vandalism. Now Gabriel Gonzaga has released an instructional YouTube video on how to eat a banana, and I personally love every second of it. Harmony Korine would be proud.
In all honesty, there’s no wrong way to cut open a watermelon and enjoy it in the summertime. You could smash it with a sledgehammer, shoot it with a shotgun, or put some leftover fireworks into it and watch it explode. Once the pieces hit the ground, they’re all delicious and an outstanding source of carbohydrates to keep you from dehydrating in the suburbs. Chances are, if you have a watermelon in your general vicinity and your friends don’t, your life is far better than theirs. Gabriel Gonzaga wants you to enjoy your watermelons even more than you do now, and that’s why he put together this short demonstration on the optimal way to extract its interior with the greatest of ease. Your life will be enriched as soon as you hit the play button.
By now, we’ve come to depend on Gabriel Gonzaga to teach us better ways to do everything we already knew how to do. Between his redecorating tips and showing us how to peel a banana, he’s well on his way to instructional video super stardom. This video of Napao’s ‘how-to’ involves the best way to hydrate yourself that he could think of. While this method is often utilized when people don’t want to spread germs, Gonzaga just drinks like this all the time. After watching this video last night, I confirmed that drinking a cosmopolitan like this is the only way to emasculate an otherwise feminine drink. Probably best that you wear a dark t-shirt the first time you try it, just in case your aim isn’t as honed as Gonzaga’s.
In 2011, Gabriel Gonzaga’s only fight was a win over Parker Porter at Reality Fighting. I’ll bet you didn’t even know that. Since his departure from the UFC (and subsequent return in 2012), we’ve come to depend on Gabriel Gonzaga to exclusively teach us better ways to do everything we already knew how to do. There have been redecorating tips, instructional videos on how to peel a banana, drink Gatorade, and even a photo-diagram on use a kiddy pool. This edition of Napao’s ‘how-to’ involves the best way to tie a plastic bread bag that you’ve struggled with your whole life. Until this video, you never knew how to do it correctly, and any other way besides this is officially obsolete.
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The absolute silence of this video gives it a number six ranking on our list of ‘The Top Ten Most Bizarre and Unintentionally Creepy YouTube Videos Uploaded by Gabriel Gonzaga.’ In this clip we see Gonzaga nonchalantly injecting a needle into his ear while he cautiously watches his own reflection in the mirror. The only hint of a sound is when we hear the slamming of an object off camera. Gonzaga doesn’t pay any attention to it and continues to suck the juice from his ear — which simply makes the origin of this sound even more mysterious. Is it someone bound by duct tape, trying to escape Gonzaga’s closet? The world may never know.
What stands out in this video is the bizarre jingle emanating from this futuristic Coca-Cola vending machine.
Here’s a three-step process that you can do in the comfort of your own home:
- Watch the following video.
- Pay attention to the Coca-Cola jingle up until the twenty-five second mark.
- Now close your eyes and imagine you’re stuck in a labyrinth with Gabriel Gonzaga in the distant background armed with a chainsaw and leather apron — and that same Coca-Cola jingle is playing.
Yeah, don’t worry. We’re scared too.
Before you click on the following video be warned that the image of Gabriel Gonzaga unjustifiably screaming at you is impossible to remove from your psyche. It will always be there, stored right next to when you fell off your bike when you were a kid and started frantically crying. There’s nothing modern science can do to expunge Gonzaga yelling at you and then jumping directly into a wall.
One must ask, why is Gabriel Gonzaga screaming? What angered Napao to the point in which he was forced to yell into a camera? Above all else, what is Gonzaga running away from? The real question of course is: Should we be running too? Dammit, I hope not. I’m not even wearing pants.
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While watching this video, one gets the incredible urge to tap Gabriel Gonzaga on the shoulder as he’s trying to secure (and unfasten) the top of his ‘Magic Bullet‘ with one hand and tell him ‘Bro, don’t worry. I’ll help you out with this.’
If you’ve never mastered the art of making coffee with a device that places liquid in a centrifuge, then Gabriel Gonzaga has all of the answers to the questions you seek. In this video, we see Gabriel Gonzaga pour a portion of his brewed coffee in the container of a Magic Bullet along with a smidgen of honey, then pushes start on his $99.99 kitchen utensil. After a few seconds, Gonzaga pours the concoction in his cup of coffee and then while cleaning off the blades of his Magic Bullet, he gives a shout-out to Spongebob Square Pants. Amazing.
Before we published this list, we were forced to resort to Google to discover the meaning of the word ‘Peixe.’ According to Wikipedia, ‘Peixe is a town and municipality in the state of Tocantins in the Northern region of Brazil.’ Upon our half-assed investigation, we were blown away to know that Gabriel Gonzaga dedicated a video of fish aimlessly swimming around in a tank to a rural town in North Brazil. Perhaps it was a social commentary on the deprived state of living in Peixe and the seemingly insignificant lives fish lead while being trapped in the illusion of an ocean.
Then we realized ‘Peixe’ means ‘Fish’ in Portuguese — and we all felt stupid. Regardless, Gabriel Gonzaga filming his fish float around is equally as creepy as anything you’ve ever seen on Ghost Hunters — or Unsolved Mysteries.
An adept psychologist would have a field day on the number one video in our list of ‘The Top Ten Most Bizarre and Unintentionally Creepy YouTube Videos Uploaded by Gabriel Gonzaga.’ In this clip we see Gabriel Gonzaga carefully hold up a ball of clay with a face gently etched in, all in the confine of a strangely lit room. The dismembered head is held up on a piece of woven metal and impaled where the neck should meet the torso. Gonzaga proudly admires his creation, something that we can only infer that he’s manifested with his own skillful hands. At the end of the video, Gonzaga utters that ‘he thinks he found a new profession.’ My god Gonzaga, a profession of dismembering heads and impaling them on steel rods? There’s no doubt you would excel at it, but the MMA world (and law authorities) want to see you stick to sanctioned fighting. Please.
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