It’s inevitable that the dead will rise and humanity will fall, we just don’t know when exactly it’s going to happen. It could be tomorrow, December 21st, or a hundred years from now. For the sake of a MiddleEasy Halloween special, we are going to say ‘sometime this week’ and take a hypothetical journey into the post-apocalyptic landscape with MMA stars in tow. What you see here is a simple but open to interpretation top ten list that breaks down who would be the best additions to a crack team of survivors if they were all somehow to find each other in the madness. There are plenty of names left off that deserve to be there, but can’t because of the whole ‘ten’ thing. Feel free to add your own entries in the comment section as long as you use the template: Profile, Main Weapon, Estimated Zombie Kills Per Day and Group Role. Happy Halloween!
Profile: It’s arguable he’s half zombie already, which is a plus, but the thought of going into the undead apocalypse without the booze-drinking cigarette-smoking leader of Laughter 7 would just seem wrong. Sakuraba is probably the only human on earth that could recover from a zombie bite. All he would need to do is wrap his wound in some athletic tape and continue with the ransacking of liquor stores for ‘supplies.’ Sakuraba’s main dynamic in the group besides his almost uncanny ability to track down a fresh pack of smokes on every run (which he disperses to the perimeter watch with a smile and nod), would be that of point man. Since Sakuraba is virtually indestructible, he would be taking the brunt of all zed damage of the front lines.
Profile: Rampage may be a goof, but when it comes to the apocalypse we all know he will be standing atop one his gigantic zombie-crushing truck with a chain around his neck howling. And that’s exactly the type of man we want on the team. Crazy is good sometimes, that element works well for the group dynamic. It’s that kind of insanity/bravery that we would need from Rampage, the driver for the group. Not only does he have the gigantic wheels in his garage ready to go when the dead begin to rise, but he has the machismo to pull off the daring maneuvers needed for a good supply run or rescue mission. Bonus points to Quinton for being able to defend the vehicle while the ground team does their work. Too many drivers are helpless when not behind the wheel. Granted, he does have Dan Hardy watching his back.
Profile: Every good driver needs a solid gunner, and Dan Hardy is just that. Imagine The Outlaw atop Rampage’s truck manning a .50 cal machinegun, the fire from the giant gun reflecting in his eye, behind his kerchief a maniacal smile. Blowing zeds in half while traveling at high speeds is the ultimate thrill and Hardy embraces it. He pounds his fist on the roof of Rampage’s mammoth truck and always tells Quinton to crank it and go for the big jumps on the way to town. The vehicle team of Rampage and Hardy is near unstoppable, with countless lives saved and supplies gathered by the duo.
Profile: The farmer Matt Hughes would bring a needed expertise in agriculture and hunting, helping the survivors live off the land and expanding their sustenance beyond the rapidly deteriorating canned food and and processed products in whatever is left of the cities. The awkward feelings between Matt and Dan Hardy would be confronted early on by the group leader, just to make sure it’s nipped in the bud. No drama, the group doesn’t need it. So Matt goes about his day hunting and putting random members of the group to work in his makeshift crop fields. It’s only a bonus that Hughes can take care of himself and knows how to wield a gun.
Profile: Nate owns multiple AK-47’s and knows how to use them, so he’s the long range Diaz. His older brother Nick is the close range worker, implementing his expertise at throwing knives and nunchucks to take out the zombies at close range. The Diaz brothers are star members of the purely offensive strike team whose only job is to head into towns and other undead infested areas purely to clean them out. That’s their only responsibility, and let it be known: they only go when they want to. They do know the gravity of the situation though, so when it’s game time they throw their hoodies up over their heads and do work. Their secondary job is maintaining a small crop of marijuana plants adjacent to Matt Hughes’ crop 100 yards past the old tree. They use the herb medicinally and the hemp for a great number of things.
Profile: Brock brings his massive frame in as the human mule and tank. Being the large man that he is, Brock could lift up to 3-5 humans and 1 dog out of a nasty situation and into Rampage’s truck if it was necessary. He can also carry hundreds of pounds worth of supplies and can carry back a well butchered animal shot and killed by Brock himself or Matt Hughes. Brock really is an all purpose member of the team. For offensive town-clearing missions and even rescue missions he suits up in a huge outfit made of haphazard armor. Side by side with Sakuraba, Brock can knock back entire schools of zombies of their rotted feet and into position for the Diaz’s to clean them up.
Profile: The brains behind the operation and the guy who could be considered the squad leader on the ground, Yves along with Chael and Tim Kennedy plot out almost every venture into zed territory with great forethought and tactical consideration. Yves is both a leader and a joker on the battlefield, relieving post-apocalyptic stresses with a quirky observation and winning smile. He rides shotgun in Rampage’s truck (while wielding one as well) and is in the navigator role for most missions. He makes sure everything gets done and is always good for a few gruesome head-exploding shotgun blasts followed by a good one-liner.
Profile: The voice of the group and negotiator. When approaching bandit encampments and other cities with living beings inside, it’s Chael on the back of Rampage’s truck with a megaphone to his mouth. A born speaker, Chael has both diffused and escalated situations quickly. If the scenario goes sour, Chael is ready and willing to throw down with heavy machine gun fire. Chael is the second in charge on the ground, behind Yves, but he sometimes leads a secondary squad into unfriendly territory if the situation demands it. He’s also a humanitarian and is quick to give an inspiring pre-invasion speech to the troops.
Profile: Sniper and overall leader of the group from a military perspective. Kennedy trains all new members of the survivors the ways of post-apocalyptic living. Need to know how to kill a zombie? Ask Tim about any scenario and he will explain in detail what you need to do. When not running the day to day operations of the base he is the group’s long range attack. He scopes out all bandit towns and infected areas for any tactical advantages. All intelligence is then brought back to the group where the best gameplan is laid out. Beyond scouting, he is also the marksman for the survivors. This does limit his kill count sometimes, as ammo is precious.
Profile: William Makepeace Thackery and The Crow said: Mother is the word of God on the hearts and lips of all little children. This is never so true than in the zombie apocalypse. Ronda Rousey will not only be a badass close encounter warrior clad in chainmail to stave off bites, but when she’s so inclined she will be one of the mothers of the renewed human race. With the Rousey genes an indomitable race of humans will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the undead. No piece is more important than hers in the puzzle. She will teach zombie takedowns in the courtyard in her off-time and when on missions she will fight back to back with Nick, clearing out the hordes while Nate and Tim pick them off.