So Middle Easianites, UFC 209 happened. Were you too broke to buy it? Too internet illiterate to stream it? Too drunk to remember what happened? \u00a0Or did you manage to get roped into a social life and miss it all together? Don\u2019t sweat it. \u00a0I got your back. \u00a0Not with fight results; go to Wikipedia for that. \u00a0But here\u2019s the important shit to know from Las Vegas. Uber-Reem No More The Incredible Alistair Overeem of our Pride yesterdays has given way to a softer, leaner, Reem. \u00a0No more will his physique resemble a WWE action figure from the '80s. \u00a0How sad. \u00a0We are now left to wonder, how many more fights does Alistair have on his UFC contract? \u00a0I can't wait until he becomes a free agent, \u00a0spends six months clubbing in Thailand, and then fulfills his destiny becoming the Rizin heavyweight champion. \u00a0Hopefully before 2020. \u00a0 But even in his deflated form, The Lesser-Reem was good enough to beat Mark Hunt. \u00a0The Super Samoan broke his leg (or didn't?) in the first round only to throw another two dozen kicks on that same leg. \u00a0It bleed a lot. \u00a0 Eventually, Mark Hunt ate a knee to the head even his adamantium plated skull couldn\u2019t take. \u00a0Half of my soul wept, and half my soul screamed out in joy. \u00a0I immediately called my therapist. Thanks a Lot, Old Man Kelly \u201cJudo\u201d Dan Kelly went ahead and closed the book on the lengthy final chapter of an MMA legend. \u00a0In order to remember the better days of one of the best 205er of his era, let\u2019s watch this highlight reel and remember better times, like when Suga' Rashad gave Melvin Guillard a fade on TUF 2. Lando the Betrayer When you get a warm welcome in Cloud City, watch out your back. \u00a0The Groovy One was supposed to make a statement for all people in the world who don\u2019t give a fuck, but in the ultimate who gives a fuck move, he lost a unanimous decision. But it was fucking awesome anyways. \u00a0I hereby start a petition to have Lando Vannata fight on every UFC PPV. \u00a0Sign up for it in the comment section. Until then, never forget: What Main Event? So apparently, Tyron Woodley and Wonderboy Thompson fought for the Welterweight title. \u00a0I\u2019d tell you something about it, but afterward I met this guy in sunglasses and for $10 flashed a red light in my face, and now I can\u2019t remember how I got this coupon for a free Slurpee on my phone. \u00a0 Darren Elkins, True American Hero And in the most important event of the night, Darren Elkins withstood one of the worst ass whoopings of all time to stop Mirsad Bektic in the 3rd. \u00a0It was such a fantastic moment that it almost entirely redeemed him from getting the worst tattoo in MMA, a distinction that is hard to\u00a0win.) That\u2019s it. \u00a0Enjoy your Slurpees.