Ever smoke a blunt and feel like you can eat any punch in the world, just to land your own crushing blow of death? Yeah, me neither. But maybe that’s because we are smoking the wrong type of weed. I’ve seen stoned buddies make some reckless ass decisions that statutes of limitations prevent me from discussing in detail. But most people just smoke pot, and chat their buddies up about the latest Netflix series they watched or dissect why ice cream tastes so good.
Which got me to thinking… why does weed affect different people so differently? What if people turned into different strains of weed? What if some magical, maniacal Weed God transformed all the MMA fighters in the world in different weed strains?
So let’s fantasy cast a Bizzaro universe of MMA, where all over favorite fighters have become different fighting weed strains. Enjoy.
Fedor Emelianenko is AK-47
A Russian deliverer of death, both these perfect hybrids can put you on your ass, but afterwards they will both be kind of mellow and chill about it. A legendary strain and a legendary fighter, both went on a streak of dominance in their industries. AK-47 has hoisted as many Cannibus Cups as “The Last Emperor” hoisted the Pride Heavyweight belt.
Bas Rutten is Jack Herer
Both Bas Rutten and legendary weed activist Jack Herer are pioneers. Bas Rutten was Dutchman who traveled Japan to become famous, and Herer was weed strain from Asian that became famous in the Netherlands. The strain is a combination of Northern Lights/Haze and Shiva Shunk blended together by the American Hemporer in Amsterdam.
The strain became a Dutch icon and was even prescribed as medicine by the first governmental program in the world. Of course, “El Guapo” became a Dutch icon by kicking dudes in the head in Pancrase.
Cody McKenzie is Alaskan Thunder Fuck
A hardy, smelly nug with a heady buzz, Alaskan Thunder Fuck was bred to survive the harsh landscape of Alaska. This weed strain has a lost genealogy, the forefathers of this bastard weed were lost in the wilds of Alaska. I can only imagine drunk, nomadic Cody McKenzie might be able to relate.
Angela Magana is Dirty Girl
Dirty Girl is a hybrid of a heavy blend of Trainwreck and dash of Cinderella 99. That screams Angela Magana all day. Not sure if this weed strain causes you to post naked selfies on the reg, though.
Shonie Carter is Durban Poison
Durban Poison is a weed strain that has been around for hundreds of years, and known to infuse the user with creativity and style. “Mr. International” Shonie Carter can only deliver with style and after all these years, he’s still in the game putting people to sleep.
Tank Abbott is Nine Pound Hammer
Nine Pound Hammer is a heavy, dense Indica that incapacitates you, just like a Tank Abbott bungalow. The purple coloring of the dried buds seem to echo the battered faces of Abbott’s opponents. Smoking some Nine Pound Hammer will have you walking around like Tank did when he mocked John Matua’s unconscious body.
Sage Northcutt is ACDC
ACDC sounds like a knockout weed, and looks like a knockout weed but this 19% CBD strain has barely any THC at all. Nice for some joint relief, but it doesn’t get you nearly as high as you’d think. Just like Sage Northcutt, this strain is Grandma’s best friend.
Urijah Faber is Blue Dream
Blue Dream and Urijah Faber are both west coast classics. Both the fighter and the strain became cornerstones of their industries and bred a whole dynasty as their legacy.
Jon Jones is Golden Goat
A beautiful accident of the illegal grow ops of Topeka, Kansas, this hybrid is the best of all worlds. Sweet, spicy, and sour. Colorful, but still bright and green. A great balance of cerebral and body high. No strain mixes it up quite like the Golden Goat. Just like no one mixes it up better in the cage. The MMA GOAT can relate to this weed’s humble hometown.
Hit up your dealer and see if he is carrying any of MMA’s greatest strains.