Initially I wanted to add a little bit more to the title of this article aside from ‘…punch and kick a few morons in Brazil’ but I simultaneously spilled toothpaste on my favorite shirt — so nothing really matters anymore.
Every urban battle fought in Afghanistan, street scrap in Brooklyn, scientific breakthrough in Europe, planetary alignment in the galaxy — every book ever written, game of Halo ever fought — it all means nothing. Of course, it means nothing because I have a giant white stain on my shirt that’s impossible to remove. Scientists just haven’t developed adequate stain removal technology. Sure I could try to soak it in cold water, but there still will exist a faint halo around the stain — a steady reminder of how hopelessly clumsy I am. I would rather find toes in my popcorn than deal with this toothpaste stain nonsense.
I’m stuck with this stain for the rest of my life, which means you’re stuck with hearing about the tragedy of this toothpaste stain for the rest of this article. What is this ‘toothpaste‘ — it’s 2013 and we still rely on jamming a stick in our mouth with chemicals on it to keep our teeth clean? Give me a pill to clean my teeth — I think as a civilization we at least deserve this. Some type of light beam would also be welcomed. We’ve been in a new millennium for over a decade, it’s about time we act like it.
All of this may seem in jest, but if only you knew how the rest of my week will be ruined by this toothpaste stain business. I’m going to end up tossing this shirt in the trashcan and then will stop brushing my teeth until next month in absolute protest. The loser of this will be me — and my decaying breath. It’s a lose-lose situation. Dammit.
How could any of you still want to watch this video of Anthony Pettis appearing on Brazil’s equivalent of ‘Jackass’ when my shirt is ruined? You guys are so insensitive. If Jesus Christ returned to earth, you cynical people would just kill him again.