Okay, let’s put this out there first. I know Middle Easy isn’t the place for boxing. Why? Because mostly boxing is as boring as a Jared Rosholt fight.
But there are a few redeeming qualities possessed by boxing, and I will list them here:
1.) You get to bring a massive crew to the ring.
- You ever seen a boxing main event during the ring announcing? More people are in the ring than are on stage for a Wu-Tang Clan concert. Having a huge crew walk out with you is just cool. Plus, no need for your crew to multi-task. You don’t have to ask your manager to be in charge of your mouthpiece; you got a guy for that. Hair not looking fresh right before walkout? No problem, the camp’s barber is in the locker room, just in case. Plus, if there is a post-fight scuffle you got plenty of back up. You can have Lil’ Wayne or 50 Cent escort you to the ring rapping your entrance music. Not into rap? Shit, bring a whole mariachi band (shout out to CM Punk).
2.) There are awesome walk out outfits.
- Ain’t no Reebok deal in boxing. And that means we get to see dope shit like this:
which brings me to my next point…
3.) Winning tons of belts.
- The UFC never understood the intrinsic value of belts. Plural. Belts. Sure, getting one belt is amazing and getting two belts is legendary, so what’s better? How about 15 belts all carried in by your boys and possibly bikini clad women? Is that better? No, it’s much fucking better. Everyone in boxing got belts. The number seems to be more important than what they are actually for. Figure most of the best boxers got like 10 belts and up. One belt? That’s child’s play in boxing. I’m pretty sure I’m still the WBC Super Middleweight champion from that fight I got into in Key West during Spring Break in 2008. Either that or I still have a warrant out for me there, not sure which…
4.) Dudes are still getting knocked the fuck out.
- Shit, if people are going night night, I’ll watch. I spent countless hours of my life hoping, beyond the point any sane person would have given up hope, that some anonymous dude I don’t care about gets put to sleep by some other anonymous dude I don’t care about. In boxing, fighters get slept in some of the most horrifically awesome ways. Sometimes they even fall out of the ring, which is some comical shit right there.
And finally the most important redeeming factor for boxing…
4.) Gennady “GGG” Golovkin is a doe-eyed murderer.
- GGG is now 36-0 and he’s knocked out his last 23 opponents. Only three of his fight ever went to decision. This smiley, goofing looking dude will savagely punch guys in the body until you start feeling bad for them. Shit, half the time it looks like even GGG feels bad for them. And that’s just perfect drama. He fights this Saturday on PPV against Daniel Jacobs.
If you still aren’t sold on the dopest thing to come out of Kazakhstan since Borat, hopefully these highlights will.
If that isn’t enough, watch GGG be all Russian, scary, and yet adorable: