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The Top 10 Fedor Moments in All of History

The Top 10 Fedor Moments in All of History

One day your children will read about a thirty-foot tall giant that lived in the hills of Russia. They will learn that his garments were made from the fear and tears of his opponents and his bones were constructed out of pure adamantium. When this giant would throw an overhand right, planets would recoil in terror and the entire field of astrophysics would take note on its precise trajectory. Time and space would stand in awe at the various ways in which this man broke the limitations they’ve placed on the universe. And when geneticists test the DNA structure of this individual, they will find remnants of awesome spread throughout his genetic code. Your children will read about a man that entered the sport of mixed martial arts and perfected it. This man is Fedor Emelianenko and he’s still the baddest man on the planet.

Now that The Last Emperor is retired from the sport he essentially created, we analytically looked back on the career of Pride FC’s last heavyweight champion and compiled a list of The Top Ten Fedor Moments in All of History right here on MiddleEasy. Enjoy.

 

It’s damn near impossible to not get Julia Lillis’ catchy ‘Fedor! Oh Fedor!’ lyrics stuck in your head at least once every ten days or so. I myself, find myself singing ‘Fedor won’t you ground and pound me’ to my dog all the time. It’s game changing song writing like this that takes Fedor beyond the Russian killer he is and into the realm of catchy pop tune subject fodder. Fedor is Billie Jean to Julia Lillis’ Michael Jackson — that alone is one of the reasons why this is one of my favorite Fedor moments.

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Imagine Fedor Emelianenko strolling around the same urban sprawl you grew up in, casually enjoying the surroundings of so many displaced youth and taking in the breathtaking vistas of a place like Streamwood, Illinois. Pretty weird huh? Now you know how I felt when I watched Fedor mill about the same shopping malls and toy stores I frequented as a teen and young adult. Only Fedor could be such a gripping subject in a documentary like this. No other fighter in the world could enthrall us with a slow walk around Toys R Us, contemplating action figures and stuffed animals. That’s why this is one of my favorite Fedor moments.

 

June 26th, 2010. A date many will remember as the day a God was finally killed in sixty-nine seconds. I remember where I was, what I was doing, my wife’s blank stare as Fabricio Werdum’s hand was raised. After Fedor lost I didn’t say much, I just got up and started doing dishes for a while, thinking about what just happened. This was like the MMA fan’s JFK. The ensuing fallout suitably changed the MMA landscape forever, and the ripple-effect of Fedor’s first true loss was especially felt in the hours following this strange soul-sucking defeat. Message boards blew up, fanboys with their reaffirmed beliefs of Fedor’s legacy built on a road of cans was cited, while believers in Emelianenko praised his lifelong body of dominant work. Sherdog went so far as to take Fedor off their P4P list after he was on it for years. This act, can be seen as a Cyberdyne systems type of turning point in history. Had Sherdog not taken Fedor off the list, the world may have never met Bloodstaine Lane.

 

There are only two other humans on this planet that share Fedor’s DNA by at least 50%: his brother Aleks and his youngest brother Ivan. With the unfortunate news of Fedor’s father passing in August, 2012 we have to accept the fact that September 28, 1976 – the day Fedor emerged from his mothers womb with a right fist – was a seminal moment for the world of combat sports. Unless the Russian government did what any forward-thinking global superpower would do and freeze a healthy amount of Olga Emelianenko’s eggs and Vladimir Emelianenko’s sperm, there is no way the world will ever be able to replicate The Last Emperor.

We have come close with his brother Aleks, born in August of 1981. He is known to hunt Russian bears holding nothing but a knife and small spear, intimidating the bears with a body adorned by scary Russian prison tattoos. Aleks himself is the owner of multiple Sambo gold medals and an MMA record of 20-5. Although Aleks’ accomplishments are no small feat, he is still not Fedor.

Fedor’s youngest brother, Ivan, has begun training for MMA as of 2010 and also has a wealth of Sambo trophies. Born in 1988, Ivan is only now coming into his physical Emelianenko maturity, a thing that we know is glorious. So remember that day: September 28th, 1976 and remember it cannot be duplicated without millions of Rubles in science and possibly a time machine.

 

500 years from now alien archeologists will unearth Fedor’s Sweater of Ultimate Power fully intact with the words ‘One sweater to rule them all, one sweater to find them, one sweater to bring them all and in the darkness bind them’ inscribed in some Russian-Elvish language. When these archeologists wear the sweater, they will immediately disappear and be able to see the eye of Sauron hanging off a rusty McDonald’s billboard in the distance. These daring alien archeologists will discover that the spread of fast-food was the reason for humanity’s demise, and Fedor tried to warn us through his contemporary fashion sense. Once relics are uncovered, they will discover the stripes on Fedor’s sweater were strategically placed to oppose the horizontal stripes of Ronald McDonald’s outfit. In some overly complex way, this was Fedor’s way of telling us that we need to start eating healthy, exercise often, and watch more Boardwalk Empire. Fedor thought this was the proper way to exist, but it was impossible for him to express it because he couldn’t speak English and he assumed Russia would absolutely hate Boardwalk Empire.

Fedor’s Sweater of Power comes in at number six in our list of The Top 10 Fedor Moments in All of History. Even Ariel Helwani knows the power of the finely knit apparel.

And here’s the sweater in all of its colored fluffiness:

 

You give me a chance to watch Fedor don a red gi top and track pants to take on Shinya Aoki in an exhibition match and I will say ‘OK’ every single time. And if you play your cards right, a high five is probably in both of our futures. At the time of this exhibition in 2009, both of these fighters were regarded as the top of their respective divisions, and as Sean Wheelock and Jimmy Smith remind us, it’s a real treat to watch. If this exhibition match full of throws and submission attempts doesn’t bring a smile to your face at least once in the five minutes it lasts, you’re probably on bath salts and I don’t want to be around you anyways. Go eat someone’s face off, bath salts guy. No one liked you.

 

Back in 2010, MMA-Japan was the sole force behind translating ‘Pride FC: Secret Files,’ a book that was published in Japan shortly after the collapse of the organization which describes thirty projects that were planned for Pride FC. Two years ago, the site translated a chapter of the book that tells how Fedor’s old camp (Russian Top Team) sent a ‘hitman’ to ‘take him out’ in Pride FC.

The Red Devil MMA organization, M-1, was being held and had connections with Bodog, M-1 GLobal, Affliction, and other American promotions. Fedor was also going into the M-1 ring. If Fedor had not moved to Red Devil, the break the MMA world received may not have happened.

It is said that the reason Fedor departed RTT was related to money. According to Fedor, “RTT President Pogodin deceived us.” Pogodin, more than just a businessman, was more of an old fashioned gangster type, and the new generation of Russians, including Fedor, must have had a clash with his type.

In any case, Fedor started down a new path. And to RTT, he was a complete and utter traitor. Fedor, who was a judoka and samboist, came to be a pro through Volk Hari (of RTT).

To RTT, it was as if Fedor had forgotten about his roots and showed no gratitude to RTT..

The RTT team members anger was horrific, Hari said, “Obliterate Fedor” – making a declaration of war against him, saying “Russians take care of Russians”.

The front-runner candidate was Sergei Kharitonov. Hari and Zuev gave everything to Kharitonov. They instructed him with new techniques that they had never shown to Fedor. Kharitonov was given the responsibility from RTT of KO’ing Fedor. (At this time Kharitonov had also left RTT now training with Golden Glory).

But, as the “Russian chosen to take care of a Russian”, Kharitonov was not the only one, RTT had prepared one more “assassin”. That person you could say, was Fedor’s natural enemy…

If this was an episode of Heroes, you would see ‘To Be Continued’ here. However, unlike Heroes, a team of writers won’t take an intriguing concept and endlessly complicate it to the point of insignificance. If any of you don’t know what NBC is, then that previous sentence would make no sense.

 

Get ready to read about an amount of money that you, your kids and your grandkids will most likely never make (unless your name is Mark Cuban; in which case you will probably make enough to buy a third world country by the time you reach the end of this Top Ten List). According to Sherdog, Fedor was offered a six fight UFC contract totaling an absurd $30,000,000 (that’s five million dollars a fight for those who failed 3rd grade math). A number like that will have you spinning like Yoshimitsu, but it literally had no effect on Fedor’s management (who coincidentally also own M-1 Global ). Take a look at the full package Dana White offered Fedor and his camp:

– The UFC offered Fedor a 6 fight, 30 million dollar contract. That’s 5 mil a fight

– The UFC offered Fedor an immediate title shot

– Lesnar/Fedor would be the biggest PPV in MMA history (we assume), and the UFC offered M-1 Global a cut of the PPV on top of Fedor’s purse.

– Fedor was free to wear as many M-1 logoed items as he wished.

– The UFC also relented on allowing Fedor to compete in combat sambo.

Still the M-1 Global guys insisted that Fedor couldn’t enter the UFC without a co-promotion. Essentially, they wanted the the M-1 Global brand next to UFC on every promotional material and within the Octagon. A few days after this info leaked, Strikeforce offered Fedor $500,000 per fight along with an exclusive co-promotional agreement and a few other perks that were withheld from the public. When the CBS/Strikeforce deal was finalized, here’s what Dana White said about the entire ordeal.

 

Fabricio Werdum beat Fedor Emelianenko. To this day, I can’t believe I can type that sentence and still be telling the truth. In a parallel universe in an alternate timeline, Fedor Emelianenko defeated Fabricio Werdum. He’s still undefeated and every MMA site has him as the pound-for-pound best fighter in the sport. In that same parallel universe, Sarah Palin is the President of the United States, the Sneaker Pimps are still recording albums and ‘Salute your Shorts‘ is still on the air. That universe exists, but unfortunately it’s not the one we reside in. Fabricio Werdum tapped out Fedor Emelianenko and we all have to live with it.

We shouldn’t have been surprised by Werdum’s victory over Fedor. In an interview with TATAME months before the fight (which wasn’t even signed at the time), Werdum said that he will defeat Fedor, and it won’t be by just an armbar.

‘The fight against Fedor is 99% confirmed to April 16th. I have three months to train to the most important fight of my life. I already have a strategy set. I can’t submit a guy like Fedor in the arm, in the leg, he would never tap… I’ll make history. Beat Fedor doesn’t mean I’m better than him, because he’s the man, but I’ll be better than him in that night’.

The beauty of Werdum vs. Fedor is that it would take two submissions to defeat the greatest of all time. Check out this screen cap from MiddleEasy’s Twitter timeline just seconds after Werdum made Fedor tap in San Jose over two years ago.

Ever since Dana White visited The Underground a few weeks ago to tease a Fedor vs. Brock superfight in the UFC — we’re pretty certain that a large sum of money (or divine inspiration) will eventually pull The Last Emperor out of retirement. Besides, do you really believe that the GOAT will just wither away into the Russian wilderness while guys like Andrei Arlovski and Tim Sylvia are scheduled to have a fifth match?

Although we have no verifiable proof — we’re absolutely certain Fedor will be returning to MMA in 2013. The MMA world needs some balance, and only at 231 lb Russian can bring some equilibrium to the heavyweight equation.

In fact, we’re going to use this Top Ten List to give Fedor a warm welcome back to the sport that he essentially manifested — one overhand right at a time.

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