Never leave your birthday party unattended or Steven Seagal may pop out of a very large cake, topless. I think I’ve confused my Under Siege imagery, but I still can’t help but think that Seagal was the guy who taught Bruce LeeRoy to catch bullets with his teeth in ‘The Last Dragon.’ In fact, ‘The Glow‘ is just a radioactive after-effect of drinking Seagal’s energy drink. In the land of 7th degree Aikido masters, we are all mere peons operating in their world — even if your name is Anderson Silva.
We’re just two days away from Anderson Silva using one of his infamous teep kicks, laser guided by Steven Seagal, and I already believe that every possible joke that can be assembled about the unlikely pair has already been written. I prefer the ‘just interviewed a velociraptor and he told me that he taught Anderson Silva that kick seventy-five million years ago.’ The Seagal kick quickly found its way through popular culture and now resides in the unsavory territory of the ‘I’m Rick James Bitch’ meme. Remember, if you uttered that phrase at any time before August 6, 2004, then you contributed to the death of the original ‘Superfreak.’ Let’s not let that happen to Anderson Silva — or Steven Seagal.
The story can be summarized as such: Boy meets girl, boy has unprotected sex with girl, girl makes one of the baddest [expletives] to ever high-kick out of a woman’s womb, baby grows up to star in a variety of early 90s action movies, movie star makes an energy drink comprised of Golgi berry that taste surprisingly good, movie star allegedly teaches the greatest of all time a kick he invented, greatest of all time knows the kick but plays into the lesson, greatest of all time pulls off the kick to knock out his opponent and the movie star takes credit for it, greatest of all time gets harassed by Chael Sonnen — and finally Steven Seagal completely has Anderson Silva’s back in this MMA Heat interview where he calls Sonnen’s actions ‘an embarrassment to the human race.’