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North Pole deadlocked on Tito Ortiz stocking gift

North Pole deadlocked on Tito Ortiz stocking gift

“On the one hand, Tito Ortiz is the People’s Champion,” said a confounded Saint Nick. “On the other hand, he can be kind of an asshole.”

“My heart is saying handful of candy, but my brain is saying lump of coal.”

Ortiz, a former UFC champion turned Bellator headliner, has been an enigma throughout his career. Although sometimes hailed as one of MMA’s saviors in the late-1990s, his authenticity has been questioned by fellow competitors. Yesterday, “King” Mo Lawal called Ortiz a “fake-ass dude.” And UFC President Dana White has deemed Tito the “cheapest motherf*cker on Planet Earth.” 

Understandably, the North Pole staff is at loggerheads.

“He did a lot for the sport in the dark ages,” said Bartimus Snow, Senior Elf in charge of gift distribution. “Even his loss to Frank Shamrock was fight of the year. But he horribly mismanaged the career of Cristiane Cyborg Justino. Then just last week, he turned down multiple offers to join the UFC antitrust lawsuit. I’ve repacked the sleigh six times today and I’m still not sure we have it right.” As difficult as the decision is, the Snow is optimistic. “Thankfully, coal can be used as part of a makeshift ointment to treat closed head injuries,” he continued. “So Tito should come out ahead either way.”


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