Emanuel Newton beat Joey Beltran on a meal replacement shake, and 40,000 volts of spiritual energy

Emanuel Newton fought Joey Betran on the physical energy provided by one 110-calorie meal replacement shake. Huge surprise, it turns out that was a bad idea.

“. . . I didn’t really eat that day. I had this new supplement called 30 For Life; it’s an all organic meal replacement shake, but it only has 110 calories in a scoop,” he told MMAjunkie Radio. “So I was going off a protein shake in a fight, so I wasn’t able to be as aggressive or throwing as many shots as I wanted to, but it just goes to show how well I can adapt in a fight.”

Why do such a thing? Short on time? Stomach upset from the stress of your big day? No, he wanted to exist on almost nothing but spiritual energy.

“I’m on this whole spiritual fix where I’m going off my spiritual energy in the fight instead of the energy in my flesh,” he actually said in real life.

It turns out Newton is tapped into the secret truth of the Universe now.

“I pay attention to my visions, my dreams, my deja vus, my coincidences, and everybody has them. You can’t say they’re not real. I think differently and I live differently. There’s a bigger picture than that that I’m not going to go into. I was on a cleanse trying to get rid of all the gook and the funk that grows inside our body, so I was a little different for this fight. But we’ll see what the next fight holds.”

Seems like a big gamble though, testing those spiritual super powers for the first time during a professional title defense. But he had backup from his entourage (a group we shall call The Brethren), and from the precognitive wisdom of the dream world. In short, the plan could not fail.

“My mind was great, but my legs weren’t the best and I knew I was going to get a knockout – I had foreseen it. My brethren had forseen it, and I’d had plenty of dreams to offer me confirmation that I would finish that fight. It was just a matter of time.”

Either Emanuel was right, or the Universe decided to be a really irresponsible enabler. He knocked Beltran out with the most spiritual spinning backfist ever. Now, he’s considering a fight against Rampage. “I don’t know when the fight between me and Rampage is going to happen. It’s just determined by what the fans want to see and whatever’s best for Bellator to help the organization continue to grow.”

And, of course, determined by the mystical whims of the mysterious spiritual plane.

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