LAS VEGAS, Nevada, January 2nd, 2015 — Something special is scheduled to take place tonight at 7pm Eastern time [4 in the West] where fans and media alike are planning to gather around their screens in earnest anticipation. At 7pm Eastern time [4 in the West] the sexually-secure world of MMA will tune in to the UFC 182 weigh-ins live on YouTube, the fever pitch leading to Jones vs. Cormier heating up even further.
Groups of men will look over their shoulder in their place of work or at home to ensure that their mother/sister/wife/boss is not around to view these adonises (and two women — for those into that sort of thing) bare it all for the cameras, stripping down to just their essential skivvies before stepping onto a carefully-calibrated scale to show the world the result of their months of hard work. Fans will marvel at their rock-hard abs, their bulging biceps and rugged chests, glistening under the lights of the MGM Grand for all the world to see. Even, sometimes, a fighter needs to strip beyond their comfort zone and be obscured by Burt Watson holding a towel. That’s when things REALLY heat up, but damn the obfuscation.
These sexually-secure men will study every crevice of these modern day gladiator’s bodies, rushing to comment sections, to Twitter or to YouTube to weigh-in themselves on the physiques of these fighters. They won’t hold back when they tell us that Daniel Cormier might be a bit too beefy to stand a chance against the ebony, Philippians-emblazoned god of war that is Jon Jones. They will laugh at fighters who were unable to cut the right amount of water weight, declaring them fat and out of shape while themselves wiping their tired brows from an intense workout from lifting their steely-fists to their maws, glistening can of fresh, cool Coca-Cola in hand. Why, do you ask? Because no homo.