NAMOTU, Fiji, Dec. 16th, 2014 — Eleven-time world champion surfer Kelly Slater has been enlisted by UFC president Dana White to help combat the recently-announced Antitrust lawsuit. Facing stiff competition from a team of high-priced, high-profile lawyers, with former UFC superstars Cung Le, Nate Quarry and the World’s Most Exciting Fighter(C) Jon Fitch heading the charge, White has traveled to Fiji to enlist the former world champion to help combat not only the bad press but to utilize his unique skillset to bloodlessly end this conflict.
<blockquote class=”instagram-media” data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version=”4″ style=” background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% – 2px); width:calc(100% – 2px);”><div style=”padding:8px;”> <div style=” background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;”> <div style=” background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;”></div></div> <p style=” margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;”> <a href=”https://instagram.com/p/wqLK0cvA4L/” style=” color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;” target=”_top”>My life for the next 7 days #namotu we are pumped to surf with u @kellyslater kick some ass and get over here!!!</a></p> <p style=” color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;”>A photo posted by Dana White (@danawhiteufc) on <time style=” font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;” datetime=”2014-12-16T07:19:38+00:00″>Dec 12, 2014 at 11:19pm PST</time></p></div></blockquote>
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According to reports, the 42 year old Slater has been brainstorming with UFC President Dana White via conference call with Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta III. While the UFC was able to thwart a recent FTC investigation with charm alone, word is that the lawyers involved in this case are not swayed by Dana White’s latest piece of Roots of Fight apparel or his talk about fighting being an integral part of humanity’s DNA. According to our sources, while the desire to crush the opposition and rule the world with an iron fist is a basic human desire, there has been very little evidence of any DNA mutations involving fighting at this time, although research is still in progress.
The word over this antritrust suit is that it all stems from a game of Parker Brothers’ classic board game “Monopoly” gone awry, although there is talk of another game which this intrepid reporter is ignorant to, titled “Monopsony.”
Neither Kelly Slater or Dana White returned Tweets or returned a follow via Instagram as of this time. More as the story develops.