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Dana White modernizes the fight against performance enhancers: abandons in-house testing pipe dream

Dana White modernizes the fight against performance enhancers: abandons in-house testing pipe dream

Nancy Reagan introduced us to the War on Drugs decades ago. It was a war even peace-loving churchgoers could get behind. Because recreational drugs are the synthetic chemical perspiration of the Antichrist. They are clearly bad, even if they happen to have some admittedly enjoyable effects.

But what about things like steroids, human growth hormone, and testosterone replacement therapy? Bad as well, obviously. Because you can change the context from a sex-fueled outdoor rave to a Vegas event center, and you’re still dealing with doped chemical runoff from the Devil’s jock strap. Thankfully, the UFC is taking this modern New War seriously. And today, we learned that UFC President Dana White is abandoning year-round, in-house testing.

On paper, the move looks like a regression. But the UFC attempted to enforce punishment against Cung Le for a failed drug test after his loss to Michael Bisping in China, and the process proved to be a nightmare for both the fighter and the organization. As a result, Dana White wizened up, deciding to scrap in-house testing altogether.

“Our legal team completed screwed that up. We f—-d it up, and we will f–k it up again. That’s what the commission is there for,” White said via Bleacher Report.

The move represents an important evolution in the unconventional war against drugs. Because White is assuming a position as a bunkered general in a war room, symbolically overseeing an overseas paramilitary operation run by local militia members. The in-house testing pipe dream represented a regression from modern business tactics like delegation and outsourcing. A flexing socialist of sorts, White is finally prepared to admit the obvious: the government is better prepared to do just about anything that private enterprisers can dream of attempting.

“What we’ll do is we’ll help fund it, so they can do more drug testing,” White continued. “Our legal department screwed that whole thing up. We’ve got no business handling the regulation.”

It was a good idea on paper, naïve perhaps, but the UFC has learned its lesson. And like a proper enlightened institution, it will remotely fund a third party government mercenary to pull its regulator triggers. Yes, finally, the company is prepared to engage in truly modern warfare.

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