Following the World Cup has made me wholeheartedly regret purchasing a home theater system. Between the vuvuzela horns and the dude on Univision screaming “GOOOOOOL”, it’s made me realize that soccer is the most boring sport in the world and hearing it on seven speakers only makes me want to drink cleaning supplies under the sink. Take for instance a game like England vs. USA. Where else can you find this many people to get so excited when nobody scores for over an hour, then nobody wins? FIFA should hire Bas Rutten to commentate, and if there’s no action for over 20 min, he’ll jump onto the field to rip out people’s spleens to properly motivate both teams. Bas has even been practicing for just such an opportunity. Check out this Tokyo Five commercial where he teaches you how to survive grocery shopping.