Ask a Thug-Jitsu Master: Starring Yves Edwards

On the eve of Yves Edwards fighting for Cody McKenzie at UFC: Fight for the Troops 2, we thought we would launch a mini-feature on called ‘Ask a Thug-Jitsu Master: Starring Yves Edwards’. Granted, the only person that we know who is a certifiable ‘Thug-Jitsu master’ is Yves Edwards. We could find someone else to star in ‘Ask a Thug-Jitsu’, but it will only be an actor playing one on television. This was originally going to be a suave video, but we needed to transcribe everything at the last minute. Modern technology can’t handle the amount of randomness in this interview, so we had to bring it back to text.

Before this interview, we gathered a few questions from people and then relayed them to Yves Edwards for some form of response. Enjoy.


Dear Thug-Jitsu Master, Recently my girlfriend has become jealous of all the time I’ve been putting into honing my Thug-Jitsu skills, how do you balance your home life and your kicking ass life? Thanks, James How do I do it, well, that’s’ a good question but it’s not that hard you just gotta keep your awesome on all the time and it just kind of works out. But as far as what you should do James, I don’t know what level of awesome you have attained or if you have attained any level of awesome yet. So what I’m gonna say is just keep truckin’ away at the thug jitsu and if she sticks around she is worth it, if not there’s gonna be some better ones that roll right in, it’s just a matter of time.


Dear Master of Thug-Jitsu, You have said Joachim Hansen was one of the toughest dudes you’ve ever fought; you have also said he was the stinkiest person you have ever fought. was it because of the smell? Can you describe what Joachim Hansen smells like? Do you think being a smelly Mixed Martial Artist is a good career move? Thanks, Billy Do I think it’s a good career move? No, because you get a reputation for stinking. As far as what he smelled like, he smelled like ass and sour cream — and a little bit of B.O. mixed in there. It’s pretty horrible. Funny thing is, I saw that guy about eight months later and we were hanging out in Japan. We were hanging out all night and I just asked him, I was like (cause he doesn’t smell normally) ‘like dude why do you stink so bad when you fight?’ He reacted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I don’t know if it’s some ancient Swedish-Norwegian some crazy thing they have, some viking thing or if he just doesn’t bathe after trying to make weight because he smells literally, like ass and sour cream that has been sitting in the sun for a couple of days.


Maybe it’s a tactic? I think it is, because I hear Lindland is the same way.


Dear Yves, What’s up with Hector? Love, Josh What’s up with Hector [Lombard]? I don’t know. If you mean what’s going on with him and his career, I’m sure he’s going to hold onto that Bellator belt for awhile. If you are talking about his ‘kill everybody’ attitude, there is one thing you have to learn about Hector — if Hector likes you, you’re safe. If Hector doesn’t like you, you’re gonna die. So, I’m glad that Hector likes me and when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’m gonna go hang out with Hector. I know at that point that I am safe, unless Hector turns into a zombie. If Hector turns into a zombie, it’s over for everybody. That’s it.


Speaking of Zombies…people are apparently very familiar with your zombie skills. Our next question is: Dear Thug Jitsu Master, I think my next door neighbor might be a zombie. They are supposed to come over for dinner tonight, I do not own a gun but I do have some mediocre thug jitsu skills. How can I use these things to fight off a hungry zombie? (Long breath) Oh, zombies terrify me. I honestly don’t know what to do to defeat a zombie. Vampire, werewolf, serial killer anything like that, I’m cool. I’m fine with that. Serial killer knocks on my door, I’m like “hey what’s up? what do you want?” But a zombie though? I have no idea how to deal with a zombie. That’s why I really don’t train too much jiu-jitsu because you can’t armbar a zombie or triangle choke a zombie. I think you could pull off a triangle or something like that on a werewolf or vampire. An armbar on a zombie? He’s gonna bite your leg and then what happens? You’re a zombie! That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen. That scares the hell out of me, so I don’t know how you can use Thug Jitsu to defeat a zombie, I’m sorry I can’t help you there. I suggest you make friends with Hector Lombard and invite him over.


So when the zombie apocalypse comes-everyone should be friends with Hector? Yes, Hector and Tim Kennedy. Tim Kennedy and Hector are very similar.


Great, Tim Kennedy can fight zombies too. Nice. We’ll have to ask Tim about that when we talk to him. OK, on to the next one: Dear Mr Edwards, My boss is giving me a lot of crap about loving MMA, she caught me browsing MiddleEasy at work and flipped out. She thinks what we love is savage and doesn’t advance society. Can you explain MMA to a 58 year old white woman from Glen Ellyn Illinois? Thanks, Miguel I don’t know. That just sounds bad. Like the last part of that question: Can I explain MMA to a 58 year old white woman from somewhere in Illinois and it’s signed Miguel? So there’s a Hispanic person from Illinois trying to explain something to an old white lady, that just sounds like a bad combination because the first thing she’s gonna say is she doesn’t want to hear it and then you really shouldn’t be browsing the internet while you are gardening anyway! I completely don’t understand that. Miguel, just kidding. I don’t know how to explain to an old lady what MMA is but I think you should keep the garden tools and blowers away from the internet. OK?


Maybe he should invite her over to watch it? That’s a good thing! And then he can invite another 50+ year old male stud like Ken Shamrock or something. That guy can use I date I hear.


Dear Thug Jitsu Master, My girlfriend thinks Buffy could kill a vampire before Blade. I personally think she should be quiet and get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich what are your thoughts/feelings? You’re girlfriend shouldn’t have a say. You know, there’s a question out there, it’s a very valid question. If a man runs over a woman in his car, whose fault is it? Everybody wants to think it’s the man’s fault because he was driving the car. But its not, it’s the woman’s fault for not being in the kitchen. Buffy should be in the kitchen helping your girlfriend making sandwiches. That’s what Buffy should be doing. As far as Blade goes, I wouldn’t call that guy either. I mean that guy is going to jail for something like the next three years for taxes or something. Feel bad for him for that but I wouldn’t call anyone. I have no contacts in my phone for someone who can take care of a vampire. Also, I’m the Thug Jitsu Master, I’m kind of like MacGyver when it comes to vampires. I’ve taken out a whole squad of vampires with a paperclip, a toothpick and a rubber band. So you can call me, I guess. Especially if it’s those vampires from those Twilight movies those guys shimmer…gay.


Ha…so you’re not like Team Edward or whatever the other guys name is, I’m not really a Twilight kind of girl, so I don’t even know what the other guys name is… No. I’m old school. Back in my day vampires sucked blood, not c***.


Wow. Let me ask you this-what do you think about the theory that the stuff they put in McDonalds food might be the fountain of youth? For fat people, yeah. I don’t eat McDonalds, if I can avoid it. I don’t even drive past that place. That place is so disgusting. You know what bugs me about McDonalds? What bugs me, is how well they claim to understand black people, I mean they have these commercials with people singing hip-hop and dancing and rapping and it’s just the most insulting thing in the world we don’t rap and eat cheeseburgers.


You don’t rap while you are sitting there eating your cheeseburger and French fries? I mean who does that anyway?


I do! Oh…OK I take that back. Well they still don’t get it. They just don’t get black people or Hispanics.


OK then, here’s the last one for today: Dear TJM, my boyfriend’s best friend thinks I should get a bikini wax. What do you recommend? I recommend you stop sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friend. How does he know what’s going on down in your nether regions? That’s just wrong. I don’t even know how to respond to that. F*** snakes.


F***snakes? Yeah I need to put this out there, a friend of mine and I, I’m not going to tell you guys who the co-founder of this whole theory is just yet, not until I reach a certain point in my career. But a good friend of mine, we came up with this whole concept. Take a mongoose for example, my answer for something I have no answer for from now on, and this is something you guys can take and pass-on when you have no answer for something the answer is: ”f*** snakes!” The reason for that is, a mongoose they attack snakes. Mongoose or geese or I don’t even know what you call multiple mongooses or mongeese or mongi or whatever you call them. They don’t like snakes they attack snakes. They don’t fight snakes for survival or as prey for hunting. They fight snakes because, f*** snakes. That’s why. That’s their whole reason behind it. That’s the reason why anything happens, that’s the reason why I do anything. If someone asks you a question and you don’t have an answer for why you do it-you just do it because? Because: F*** SNAKES. Just say, “F*** snakes”. So we have to proliferate that. Yep, that’s going on my Facebook status right now. Put that on your Facebook status people.
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