Did you know that Pit Bulls score higher on the leading dog breed temperament test than Golden Retrievers? And that Daschunds are just the worst? Would Andrei “the Weiner Dog” Arlovski strike fear in your heart? Arlovski holds the honor of being my favorite thing to come out of the UFC Heavyweight Division in (arguably, but really, come on, factually) its most shriveled and bummer age in 2005-2006. Granted, I have a poor habit of idolizing Eastern European fighters who have a connection to Jean Claude Van Damme but if you discovered any of them were ACTUAL Universal Soldiers, you’d only be 99% surprised. Do you remember how convinced you were that Arlovski was going to FINALLY be the one to beat Fedor? Freddie Roach and everything? Do I ask too many questions?
For 3 minutes and 10 Afflicted seconds, Andrei Arlovski performed with the same chiseled precision as his once shaved torso. We all know what happened next but I am confident I speak for AT LEAST myself and a thousand others when I say (with a laughable lack of confidence) that that was when he became more like an actual lovable, cuddly Pit Bull than his previously intimidating incarnation as a (perhaps more aptly named) Weiner Dog. I have a laughable lack of confidence because I STILL HAVE CONFIDENCE IN HIS ABILITIES. This is purely the sickness of nostalgia but I swear it’s the reason why you are excited for the main event at this weekend’s UFC Fight Night.
The UFC offers five types of (planned and well-thought-out) fights: championship bouts, rising contenders/gatekeeper matches, developing talent, squash matches (because why not?), and exciting UFC celebrity matchups. Three out of those five categories are relevant and the other two are fun. The UFC makes money when a fight is fun. The UFC makes WWE money when a fight is both fun and relevant. I think the UFC thinks this fight might be both fun and relevant BUT… Cain Velasquez. Yeah. So. This fight is just fun. Sure, you can kind of imagine Bigfoot knocking out Arlovski and stunning a rusty Dos Santos BUT… Cain Velasquez.
I’m SO prepared to eat my words and see Arlovski overcome his (kinda cute) Octagon jitters but I fear that he’ll be too shy to pull the trigger and overcome Bigfoot’s caricaturial proportions. I don’t know. I’m so scared he’s reading this. At this point I’m so biased and I have so many attachments that I can’t tell what’s reasonable anymore.
Anyway, have fun this weekend. Because that’s all that’s offered and there’s nothing wrong with that. What do you think? How wrong could I be?