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And the winners of our Jaco Clothing contest are…

Note:Since D**k Grayson created this entire contest just minutes after he woke up on a sofa in Manhattan, it was only proper to have D**k pick the winners of the contest. Below is an email I received from D**k Grayson at 3am this morning

Alright, here are my picks for the winners including explanations.

First off, that was a lot to read. Not cool. In regards to judging criteria, some didn’t follow rules while others had one good idea but not enough to get free sh*t, here are some of those favorites:
– Someone mentioned Russian “Spetanatz” which was effing awesome.
– Another person mentioned “Team Jacob”, which was hilarious; plus all joking aside, Jacob was the best character in the “Twilight” series.
– Gnarlynarlz named his team “Secret of the Booze”, very catchy and a hollar to the TMNT movies. Effing love the 80’s/early 90’s man.
– Who ever thought of “Team Hammers Don’t Hurt ‘Em” cracked me up a bit.
– One Two’s entries cracked me up, actually had one of his creations fighting April O’Neal (Novel idea. She was a babe). Also, is mooseknuckle another slang for moose vagina?
– Osgood11 made a “Street Sharks” shout-out. Baller. Also had the first good entry of the bunch. – Honorable mentions go to: nonstopjc, illscrilla, serdafied, moldiver & mkz

Others’ spelling and “trane” of thought was so incoherent that at one point I thought I was reading Sanskrit and that someone from the Old Testament period submitted the entry. Now since we gave away free prizes, I vote that every member who participated has to send me one Advil Migraine pill for sorting through all that, thus resulting in a 4am/ET headache. Any leftover Advil Migraine will be used for hangovers in the near future. To all who participated, thanks for submitting and being a part of the site. Zeus loves you.

First Place:
Dakatak
Team Name: “The Four Horsemen of the MMApocalypse”
Arachnid Silverstrike: Anderson Silva + Scorpion – Add claws, an exoskelton, and a poisoned tail to one of the world’s deadliest strikers and you have the stuff nightmares are made of.
BlightSting: Demian Maia + Australian Box Jellyfish – 60 tentacles each 15 feet long (and with 5,000 stinging cells). Toxin immobilizes opponents in preparation for brutal submissions while jellyfish body absorbs even the most forceful of blows.
Brick Woebringer: Brock Lesnar + a Giant Pangolin – Brute force meets razor sharp armored scales, long claws, and a noxious spray like a skunk .
George St. Despair: GSP + A turtle-effective strain of the ebola Virus – Nothing says despair quite like having your insides liquify due to hemorrhagic fever coupled with the best takedowns in the business.

(Was this dude an actual writer for the TMNT show back in the day? You can tell the thought process was pretty serious. Kang and Shredder would actually try this I think. Now, if the actual mutations would come out successful is another story. Nice job dude. And to be fair, he also wrote a short story of how the fight would play out, BUT I chose not to incorporate that into the decision making as it wasn’t officially in the rules. Maybe it could be a Broadway one-act though?)

Second Place
WolfPeesOnTrees
Team Name: “End All”
Anderson Silva + Octopus = Octo Silva (that’s freakin Scary dude!)
Brock Lesnar + Rhinoceros = Wrecking Ball
Fedor + T-Rex (you could find the DNA in a mosquito Jurassic Park Style) = Fedosaurus Rex
BJ Penn + Anaconda = Tjokabietch (it’s russian and sounds like choke-a-bi*ch)
Octo Silva vs Leonardo – Octo Silva wins by 2nd rd KO (decapitation) due to 8 knee strikes at once Wrecking Ball vs Michelangelo – Wrecking Ball wins by 1st rd KO by Slam in a wrecking ball like fashion sending Michelangelo through the cage and into the front row seats
Fedosaurus vs Raphael – Fedorsaurus wins by referee stoppage – Fedosarus breaks Raphaels arm off by armbar then continues to eat it like a chicken wing
Tjokabietch vs Donatello – Tjokabietch wins by 1st round Submission Rearnaked Choke – then swallows Donatello in convincing fashion

(First realistic entry, a lot of people followed his popular formula, gotta give props)

Third Place
mmachiro
Team Name: “Team Freaks with Mad Skills”
If I had a canister of mutagen, I would combine:
Gabriel Gonzaga with a Sloth called “Hairball” and assign him to fight Donatello
Keith Jardine with a Tarsier called “Bug-eye”and assign him to fight Raphael
Michael Bisping with Daubentonia Madagascariensis (Aye Aye) called “Skeletor” and assign him to fight Leonardo
Joe Lauzon with Long Eared Jerboa called “Ear Lobe” and assign him to fight Michelangelo
My team would be called “Team Freaks with Mad Skills”

(Short, simple & great animal selection. This dude seems smart.)

 

ZEUS, ANY THING FROM HERE DOWN ISN’T OFFICIAL, JUST THOUGHTS (SOME OF THE MATERIAL COULD BE USED THOUGH POSSIBLY)
HONORABLE MENTIONS

nonstopjc
Sean Sherk with a midget lepricorn = slamjiggy vs donatello, slamjiggy wins after the judges feel sorry for how tiny his arms are.
Hermes Franca with a herpes infected magical hamster = herpes franca vs Leonardo, Leonardo wins as herpes was concentrating on itching his penis throughout the fight.
Butterbean with a 600lbs hippo = thatsafuckingmassivehippo vs Raphael, Raphael wins after thatsafuckingmassivehippo collapsed due to a cardiac arrest.
War machine with a porn obsessed rabbit= the fighting fuckmachine vs Michaelangelo, Michael angelo wins after the fighting fuckmachine was disqualified for having sex with the ring girl halfway through the fight, beating up the commentaters, and trying to hump the referees leg. the team will be called ” the worst people who can date your daughter(s)”

(This is not a winner, but this dude seems like the type of kid we woulda hung out with in college, then woulda had to bail on at around 5:30 in the morning after a diner session. Funny entry)


One Two
Roy nelson with a Blowfish after trying to steal shredders name and getting his ass kicked he settles for slap-chop he would fight michaelangelo, mainly for the pizza.
Kalib Starnes with a cheetah his name is cheetara and he doesn’t really fight anyone he just runs around in circles
BJ Penn with a Anchovie, name Baby-J, he just swims around in his fathers nutsack dreaming of the day he makes it onto a pizza and pisses of the turtles.
GSP with a riddum, name frenchie, he basically fights that casey guy who is Aprils “boyfriend” has possible affair with O’neil.

(Made very little sense but for some reason the first one that made me laugh out loud)

 

osgoody11
Rampage Jackson with a killer whale(like Street Sharks yyaaaa remember that show)-Quinton MobyLick Jackson and have him fight Raphael
Cro Cop with a kangaroo-Mirkaroo and have him fight Michelangleo
Brock Lesnar and a Gorilla-GorrillaBrock and have him fight Donatello
Georges St.Pierre and a Falcon- Georges St. Peregrine and have him fight Leonardo TeamName: Riddums Random Assortment of Middleaged Mutated Men(R.R.A.M.M.M)

i didnt know if i could use some of these creatures cause im not sure if they count as animals but this is my second team

Fedor with a Godzilla-Last Empazilla vs. Leonardo
Roger Huerta with a Chupacabra- Huertacabra vs. Raphael
Wandy Silva with a Unicorn-The Silvacorn vs. Michelangelo
Hung Man Choi with a Big Foot-umm i think hes already possibly gotten mutated so he doesn’t need a name vs. Donatello
Team: Magical Creatures of The Forest FTW

(The first good entry of the bunch)

illscrilla
If I had a canister of mutagen, I would combine:
Brock Lesnar with a dwarf hamster – Dwarf Lesnar ( the cute little white one) and assign him to fight Michelangelo
Goerges St. Pierre with a unicorn – Georges the magical Unicorn (makes him double cute) and assign him to fight Leonardo
Vitor Belfort with a tazmanian devil – Tazvitorian Devil (holy shit) assign him to fight Donatello
Cro Cop with Paris Hillton’s Chihuahua – Mirkohuahuacop smile fir the camera (….) assign him to fight Raphael
Team Lady Gaga

(Is this a girl? If so, send her a shirt)

SERDAFIED
Shinya Aoki + Blanka (he was a beast on Street Fighter and beasts are animals…right?) Blanka Survivor vs Raphael
Clay Guida + Tasmanian Devil = well….it equals Clay Guida vs Donatello
Bobby Green (http://tinyurl.com/yl77qd3) + Monkey from 28 Days Later = Hood Rage vs Leonardo
Kyle Maynard (http://tinyurl.com/ylqeytz) + Dead Ewok = saddest thing ever vs Michaelangelo (it would break his heart and Mikey would lose his will to fight)
Operation Phuq Mi

(Check out this dudes 4th person, near and dear to your heart)

moldiver
Bobbugon- Bob Sapp combined with a mystical flying dragon to create the ultimate WTF. Popular on Japanese variety shows. Fights Leonardo.
Eagledon- Don Frye combined with a bald eagle. The greatest combination of power, speed, and Americana. Fuck yeah. Fights Donatello in the battle of the Dons.
Minowatauro- Ikuhisa Minowa combined with a bull. This mulleted, red speedo-wearing minotaur wrestled against Kinnikuman in the Choujin Olympics. Leglocks 6- legged aliens in his spare time in hopes of one day reaching “Splash Heaven”. Fights Raphael in a battle of rouge-wearing warriors.
Rhymariusz- Mariusz Pudzianowski and a rhino. The “powerhouse” of the group. His mere existence borders on copyright infringement from Marvel. Battles against Michelangelo.
TEAM MUTANT MUSCLEHULK

(WTF is this dude talking about)

MKZ
If I had a canister of mutagen, I would combine :
– Brock Lesnar with Elephant (Brock Elesnar) and assign him to fight Donatello – Brock Lesnar is already nearle 300lbs come the fight time and takes people down with ease and his weight helps him to keep the fight down. But if you add over 10,000lbs and realy heavy hands, then he seems unstopable.
Result: Brock Elesnar via Rear Trunk Choke
– BJ Penn with a King Kong (King-Jay Penn) and assign him to fight Michelangelo. – BJ Penn is trully a Prodigy. He rules his natural weight division but when he goes up to 170lbs he got “Oversized” by GSP. Well its time to bulk up Baby Jay and become KING-JAY PENN !!!
Result: King-Jay Penn via Rape
– Bas Rutten with a Horse (Horse Rutten) and assign him to fight Raphael. – Everybody knows Bas Rutten loves liver shots, and they are devastating. But imagine what would happen if Bas Rutten would hit you in the liver with a power of Horse ?
Result: Horse Rutten via Liver Punch followed by a Liver Kick
– Jamie Varner with a Parrot (I-comus-tus-fightus-but-he-camus-to-grapplus) and assign him to fight Leonardo. – Jamie Varner mixed with Parrot would make an unstoppable opponent. The only way you can beat him is if he comes to fight and you come to grapple.
Result: I-comus-tus-fightus-but-he-camus-to-grapplus via TALK TO DEATH
Team Name: The MMAnimals Planet !!!

(This one is pretty alright, doesn’t make the cut though)

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