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There is a Devil Baby terrorizing New York (sensationalist headline)

Reports are coming out of Manhattan that Satan’s Spawn has officially arrived and is terrorizing New Yorkers with more fervor than Bloomberg and Kendrick Lamar’s lovechild. New Yorkers have been through so much lately, with hurricanes, blizzards and general sports mediocrity holding them back from the lives they want to live. Luckily, they have Chris Weidman who will likely step up to kill this evil toddler. Him, or Renzo Gracie. They won’t be afraid of this devilish drooler. 

Still, if you were to get caught in the path of destruction this baby is burning, we suggest you take the holy water out of your back pocket, uncap it, then splash it directly in this monster’s eyes. **** babies.

Please, be careful out there. 

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