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See, This is What You Do When a Bear Attacks You, Okay?

The irony of the virality of this video is not lost upon me, as it emanates from my home state of Rhode Island, which I have not visited in a number of years now thanks to the cost of plane tickets and how I don’t want to pay money to stay in a RI hotel ever again. Last night, while unable to sleep, I got up and for some reason ordered Del’s Lemonade mix, which for those who don’t know, is just frozen lemonade, but it comes from RI and just about everyone from the area has memories of Del’s Lemonade. People are borderline obsessive about it; kids because it has so much sugar in it, adults because you can pour vodka in it and “nobody will know.” Basically, my home state is pretty weird, that is what I’m trying to establish for you here, we don’t have much to cling onto other than being very tiny.

Having a bear attack you would suck, I think we’ve all come to that conclusion at some point. Drinking a frozen lemonade around a bear would almost certainly get you attacked, I should note. This video features a RI reporter, Julie Tremmel, who has gone on assignment to help to show RIers how to avoid being attacked, mauled and killed by a bear. As far as I know there is no rhyme or reason for this, as RI is a densely-populated state of endless suburbs with only a few wooded areas and no one really sees many bears. When I lived there we had way more problems with raccoons eating our garbage or running over skunks in the early morning, but I don’t think that I ever saw or heard of a bear.

Regardless, this video shows you EXACTLY what to do in case of a bear attack, I assume in hopes of making the bear have pity upon you, throwing up its massive claws in confusion and walking off. It is going to think that you are so unbelievably mental, basically, that it just gives up. Or it really won’t like the feeling of your flip-flop hitting its face.

God, this would come from RI. No one wants to Turn to 10. Ugh.

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