The reason why this took forever was because nearly every entry was stellar beyond belief. This was very, very hard to do folks. Very hard to do. If you didnt win, then just hang tight because there will be many more contests on MiddleEasy.com. To all who entered, thank you. I had no idea people were that clever (and they should all write for MiddleEasy.com). In the end, three contestants just really stood out and here they are:
1st place: Gilbert Yvel vs. the entire Mortal Kombat ladder by box2
A lot of MK references but I still have to say Gilbert Yvel vs. the entire Mortal Kombat ladder. After blasting everyone in the face with his knees he will just ground pound Goro into submission. Doesn’t matter how many fucking arms he has, if Yvel has to, he will be bothered enough to just get up and begin stomping on Goros face. When Shao Kahn calls for Yvel to Finish Him, Yvel will stumble a bit towards the throne and bite his fucking ear off right through the fucking skull helmet and drop kick him until all the motherfucking snakes are all off the motherfucking plane. Shang Tsung, depleted of screaming souls to throw, fakes his own death and escapes out a window, landing in a pit of spikes covered with fire ants and angsty middle schoolers.
Yvel gets up, victorious, and continues on to do 100 standing backflips in front of a booing crowd until the Ninja Turtules arrive to defend their claim to most standing backflips in a row (it’s part of their training). Yvel, undaunted by giant green turtles wwith weapons and covered mostly in unbreakable shell will rage charge them all at once, gouging at eyes as they all go down. A few bloodied eyes later, the Ninja Turtules get back up and look down, horrified at the berserking beast still thrashing after having been impaled by two swords, a sai, and bo staff through the neck. Crying, for they have never killed anyone before even by accident, they will run away and beg forgiveness from Splinter and not be seen again until they’ve completed 9,001 backflips each (crying like pussies the whole time). Shredder takes advantage of the situation and the Foot corner the frozen foods market at Wal-Mart, becoming rich and finally buying a can opener big enough to take off Shredders armor. He no longer hungers for turtle soup.
The winner? definatelynot-thefootclan.com for their exclusive videos of people opening freezer doors at Wal-Mart, getting kicked in the face, and waking up at the checkout isle with two full shopping carts of frozen pizzas and chicken pot pies. That website fucking rules.
2nd place: Cheick Kongo vs a rug by jgtorr01
Winner: the rug..
why: kongo will somehow get stuck under the rug and will not get up.. lay n pray decision.
3rd place: Lyoto Machida vs. Chuck Norris by PleaseDrinkMilk
In a supernatural event still yet to be explained, the main event got underway when Chuck didn’t arrive at the arena…the arena arrived at Chuck. The fight took a wild turn in the second round, when Machida miraculously avoided Chuck’s roundhouse kick; by all measures of science known to man, physically impossible. Chuck, then determined to be a material impossibility, ceased existence immediately– prompting many to pray for their salvation. It is believed that around this time, Chuck’s spiritualy entity may have mourned, for cancer was cured soon afterwards.
All winners check your email and hand over your address so your prizes can be shipped! Congratulations!
