The Top Ten Unlockable Characters That Should Be In EA Sports MMA

Zeus

Jul 19 |01:55

Last Updated on Wed, 07 Nov 2012 23:29

Back in the days when your completion of Mega Man 2 served as accurate measurement for how much of a bad ass you were amongst your peers, there existed the most famous unlockable character in any fighting game. His name was Sheng Long. Back in 1992, EGM printed an article stating that if you could make it through Street Fighter 2 without taking a single hit and then managed to get nine consecutive draws against M. Bison, Sheng Long (who was Ryu's master) would appear on screen and challenge you to a match. My cousin dragged me along to the local grocery store which had a Street Fighter 2 arcade nestled at the end of frozen-food section. Hours were spent trying to be one of the first to unlock this character which, at the time, seemed more elusive than Jesus Christ. The next month, we read the new issue of EGM and found out the entire article was a hoax. It was a weak attempt at an April Fool's joke. Try telling that to my cousin or better yet, the top drawer of my aunt's wardrobe cabinet where she stored rolls of quarters like the entire state of Alabama stored canned foods on the eve of y2k.

Sheng Long goes down as the greatest unlockable character that never existed. In our endless pursuit to imbue the MMA world with a little awesome, we've created a list of the Top Ten Fighters That Should Be Unlockable Characters in EA Sports MMA only at MiddleEasy.com - Because MMA is everything.

I shouldn't have to explain why Oleg Taktarov is one of the hardest individuals to ever throw on four-ounce gloves. In the USSR, his father wanted him to get involved in athletics so at the age of twelve, Oleg enrolled in a Sarov judo division that specialized in leg-locks. After he grew weary from being a child prodigy, Oleg decided to enlist in the army as a self-defense instructor and was responsible for training an elite division of the KGB in unarmed combat. After serving in the army, Oleg competed in a Latvian no-rules tournament which he won with only fifteen-minutes to prepare. By the age of twenty-six, he was undefeated with a multitude of jiu-jitsu and sambo world titles.

Oleg flew to America to become an actor but somehow got involved with bashing heads for money (again). In 1995, Oleg became the first person to defeat Tank Abbot and subsequently won the UFC 6 Tournament. In that same year, Oleg competed in nine MMA bouts, a feat that has only been achieved by Travis Fulton and Jeremy Horn since then.

If you've never seen a single Oleg Taktarov bout, then you most likely remember him as the evil Russian guy in about every action film for the past thirteen years. His most recent work was the role of 'Nikolai' in Nimród Antal's Predators in which he gets shot in the back by a Predator. Damn.

The 'Double Complete Rainbow' guy is literally America's last national treasure. I think it's safe to say that we all would deplete our bank accounts just to get our hands on whatever this guy was on. If you haven't seen this video, then you're cheating yourself out of the greatest thing you will witness this year.

Our bud in Japan, Matthew Benyon, pointed out that the 'Double Complete Rainbow' guy is an MMA fighter and he goes by 'Hungry Bear'. Yes, I understand all of this information may be too amazing to ingest in one sitting. My suggestion would be to walk around the room with your hands held above your head. You may look like an idiot to your roommates, but it will prevent hyperventilating from the amount of 'win' in the following video. Check out Hungry Bear/Double Complete Rainbow guy's first MMA fight and be amazed.

MiddleEasy sort of blew it's proverbial load with our list of Top Ten Fighters You Should Build a Shrine To. If you haven't checked it out (and there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't have), it's a sleek little list of MMA fighters that are entirely too rawesome for the sport. Somehow, in the frenzied state that these lists are created (4am with a crate of energy drink), we forgot to include perhaps the rawest Russian to ever emerge from MMA: Viacheslav Datsik. Dude started off his MMA career with a KO win over Andrei Arlovski on April 9th 1999 but ended with remarkable 0-6 streak.

If there were some magical tree that produced little badass fruit that tried to soccer kick everyone that passed by in the groin, it would be named after Viacheslav Datsik. In Pankration, Datsik faced off against Vitali Shkraba where he repeatedly kicked and stomped on Shkraba's testicles as he rolled around in pain. The ref had to restrain Datsik with a forearm choke that nearly killed him. After losing his last six-fights, his former training partner and gay lover, Oleg Titov, spread rumors that Datisk died in a train wreck. The rumors were deemed false when St. Petersburg police arrested Viacheslav Datsik for a string of robberies at mobile phone shops across Russia. Datsik is still in prison and if anyone can read Russian, feel free to tell us whenever he will be released. Viacheslav Datsik, too raw for humanity. Check out this highlight reel of Datsik acting like a complete lunatic in the cage.

Olaf Aflonso must be in EA Sports MMA based on the sheer fact that he's the one guy in MMA that could easily pass for Charles Manson (or some similar mass-murdering mastermind). I used to live with a guy that would get drunk and offer me money to punch him in the nose. He told me that in prison, he got into a nasty fight and since then, the bridge of his nose looks like a line that represents Fred Savage's moral choices in The Wonder Years. He thought that if I were to punch him at a certain angle, it would equalize the damage to his nose he received in the prison fight. I couldn't do it at the time, but the moment I found out he hooked up with my girlfriend in our attic, I sought vengeance in the form of a complimentary nose-smashing. Unfortunately, I never located the guy after that night. However, this isn't about me. Get out of my life people. This is about Olaf Alfonso.

We all remember that brutal KO punch served by Razor Rob at WEC 19 and the incredible overhand right by Mach Sakurai at Pride Bushido Survival 2006. However, the greatest mystery of Olaf Alfonso is that no one really knows where he's from. It's as if he just emerged out of an electrical socket and has been here ever since. Most records have Olaf Alfonso as a Mexican born fighter hailing from Ensenada, Baja California, Mexico. However, according to his own account, he was born in Oregon where he still resides to this day. On his Myspace page, he also says that he doesn't listen to music because he doesn't want his vibrations to interfere with his 'true self'.

"THE VIBRATION OF MUSIC AND HOW IT RESONATES WITH YOU IS A VERY POWERFUL THING. WHAT YOU LISTEN TO HAS A VERY REAL EFFECT ON YOU PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, AND THE ACTION OF LISTENING TO THE SAME TYPE OF MUSIC OVER AND OVER AGAIN CAN CHANGE YOUR INTERNAL VIBRATIONAL LEVEL. THINK ABOUT THIS CAREFULLY. I PERSONALLY OBSERVE SILENCE ON A DAILY BASIS TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH MY TRUE SELF."

Good luck for anyone trying to apply Alfonso's acoustic philosophy to your daily life. EA Sports MMA needs Olaf just as bad as I need to find that guy who hooked up with my girlfriend. His name is Lomble. He lives somewhere in Bristol, England. That's all I know.

Why even pretend like we want Jean Claude Van Damme for any other reason besides recreating that creepy hug/kiss combo that we all saw at Affliction: Banned? How can I possibly describe what happened during that emotional exchange without being reported to the ACLU? It was the sort of affection a mother gives their son just before they're boarding the school bus. Even that description pales in comparison to how truly strange the hand on Fedor's face slowly moved down his chest as Jean Claude Van Damme maintained eye-contact.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the term 'Jean Claude Van Damme' can also be used as a personal modifier to 'place emphasis on a certain observation about a person, usually oneself'. An example of this can be 'Jean Claude Van DAMME, I look good tonight'. Alternatively, you can also use the term as in 'that strange, bizarre and unexpected kiss between those two guys was Jean Claude Van DAMME!'. At least, that's the only way I would use it when I'm not in a 'Bloodsport' or 'Universal Soldier' conversation.

Check out the video clip at question and I dare any of you to not feel uncomfortable immediately after.

Pappa Noons aka the guy that tried to attack Nick Diaz inside the ring in Elite XC at Hawaii. For me, KJ Noons Dad will forever be known as the guy that nearly choked me out inside a club after Strikeforce LA. For those who haven't read my account of the event the morning after, here's the abridged version (which is really the full version, just copy/pasted in a different article).

The unofficial afterparty for Strikeforce Los Angeles was held at this place in the Nokia Plaza called Lucky Strikes. It's probably the world's first hybrid bowling alley/bar that has an unnecessarily strict dress code. We explained that we were from the media so the bouncer (who looked a lot like Jim Brown from Mars Attacks!) let us in with the busterish pairs of shorts we all had on. We get to the bar and we start talking about the fighters that are sporadically scattered through the room. KJ Noons was there, some of Fabricio Werdum's guys and someone that looked like he could pass off as Kevin Casey and (or) King Mo. We start talking about Mayhem Miller who was nestled on the sofa with his girlfriend and all of a sudden this older dude stumbles in our vicinity and says 'Who cares about Mayhem. He didn't fight. KJ Noons fought!'. We hesitantly agree with him, but we're all collectively wondering who this guy is and why would he even bother to interject in our pointless conversation. The guy (who looked to be in his early 50s) proclaimed 'KJ Noons fought! I taught him everything he knows! That's my son!'. Alright, a drunk Daddy KJ Noons, we all thought. This should get interesting. I asked him if he could repeat what he said about Mayhem 'not fighting' while I recorded him and the dude looked at me and walked away. Damn. I shrugged it off and threw it immediately in my batch of memories that I would later discard the following morning.

A few minutes later, KJ Noons' dad gets uncomfortably close to me and says 'This is your problem. You're uneducated. I could smack the taste clean out your mouth'. Woah. This conversation has just elevated to a level I never thought I would have to deal with from some middle-aged guy on a Wednesday night. I went on to tell the guy (Carl Noons) that I really didn't think he could 'smack the taste of my mouth' and regardless of his ability to indeed smack any taste I had in my mouth, I questioned why he would even bring that unwarranted topic up. I must have used too many big words because he started to shake my hand and give me a pat on the back. Great, I thought. I just averted some drunken beat-down from KJ Noons' father. He walks away again and I assume everything is squared away.

Moments later, I'm fumbling around on my iphone to see what The UG had to say about Noons vs. Heun and out of nowhere, KJ Noons' dad grabs my phone and insists that I was recording the entire conversation. The dude literally had my phone in his hand and was waving it around the bar. He comes back and shoves the phone in my face and starts to yell 'Where did you record me?'. I used the old 'Let me have it so I can show you, and then immediately shove it in my pocket' trick. At this point, Carl Noons didn't take kindly to my successful attempt at outwitting him, so he gets in my face (literally an inch from my nose) and tells me how he was a former boxer and that he taught Noons most of what he knew. This is the point where KJ Noons' entourage stood up in order to get in-between us. Within seconds, KJ's dad had a hold of my neck. The dude actually wrapped his hand around my neck! I could hear KJ Noons scream 'Stop, stop! Get him off now!' from the sofa and a few of his guys yanked him and tried to move him to another side of the bar. Throughout all of this, I'm still in 'WTF just happened' mode. He finally separated his hand from my throat and an attractive brunette tapped me on my shoulder and suggested that I should leave Lucky Strikes. For what, being attacked by KJ Noons' father? She then said that it was my fault for starting a conversation with him and not noticing that he was drunk. It made no sense (and this following morning, it still makes absolutely no sense). I walked up to KJ Noons who was sitting on the sofa shaking his head in disbelief at the entire situation and complimented him on how amazing of a fight he had that fight with Conor Heuns. Noons shook my hand, apologized for the whole fiasco and even offered to buy us drinks for the unexpected trouble. I'm not going to turn down a drink from the former Elite XC champion, so we walked over to the bar and ordered a round. Throughout all of his, Noons redundantly apologized for everything that transpired and we all just stood around the bar and talked about the his fight with Conor, the antics of Krazy Horse/Kid Khaos and a potential rematch with Nick Diaz. Everything immediately cooled off and we relocated to the other side of the bar (you know, the side that didn't have threatening middle-aged men).

If KJ Noons dad is an unlockable character in EA Sports MMA, I will permanently let him reside inside my Xbox 360 for my own safety.

If Justin Wren didn't exist, the MMA world would have never known the legacy of Euclides Pereira. This summer, Justin 'The Viking' Wren (yes, the same Justin Wren from TUF 10) flew to Florida to meet up with a Brazilian Val Tudo fighter that claimed to have over 380 wins and no defeats. Maybe it's better to let Justin Wren tell the story...

Euclides Pereira... The Blonde Devil. A Luta-Livre (No-Gi) fighter from the Northeast part of Brazil who had one of, if not the greatest Vale Tudo career in the history of Brazil having over 380 wins with no defeats. This man fought Carlson Gracie, Zulu, Waldemar Santana, and Ivan Gomez along with many other greats from his time. Now I know what your thinking; The same thing I thought... "What a bunch of BOLOGNE." For me it is almost impossible for me to grasp fighting in the hundreds, even more so never suffering a defeat. I heard of this man through my agent (a stand up guy, a family man, 100% honest) when I was planning some training down in Miami. He told me there is this 69 year old man who literally submitted a 6 foot 4, 240lb guy and he wouldn't have believed it unless he saw it with his own two eyes. Told me that he is this legend from Brazil, hardly anyone knows about him, blah blah blah. This was the first and only time I have ever doubted what my agent had to say.

No way was I believing it... How come I have never heard of this guy? I had obviously heard of Carlson Gracie, I had seen fights of Zulu, I had heard of Ivan Gomez and Waldemar Santana (Santana defeated the late & great Helio Gracie)... Now why wouldn't I have heard of Euclides Pereira? I HAVE NO CLUE why I haven't heard of this guy! I have no clue why 99.9% of you guys have not heard of him either and that his legacy was almost dropped from the history books. One thing I sincerely know is that he is the real deal. Not only from training with him now for over a week. Not only because I have gotten to know him while we are staying at the same house while I am in Miami training. Mainly because I have seen legitimate proof. I have seen hundreds, I repeat, HUNDREDS of newspaper clippings from his fights. Pre-hype clippings of Helio Gracie saying how "Euclides will be lucky to last 30 seconds with Carlson" along with the rules the Gracies and Euclides agreed upon prefight. I saw pictures and headlines of him defeating Carlson and Carlson looking battered and broken. I saw a BEAUTIFUL body kick that Euclides landed on Zulu during their fight. I saw clipping after clipping after clipping in ONE of Euclides several scrapbooks that opened my eyes to a piece of MMA history that I have never known about.

For the next TWO hours we traded techniques, mainly him teaching me. He adds things to submissions you would never think of. Some of it are some little dirty tricks he learned throughout his career to make the submission quicker, and add to the pain lol. None of it is illegal at all, but just had a "mean" factor to it that I learned in wrestling but that seems to be missing from sport jiu-jitsu. Little tricks that in a fight are gonna set up the RNC faster and not have to fight the hands so hard, or little ways to finish a guillotine in half the time, things that are like... "Why in the heck haven't I thought of or done this before?" Listening to this man I would feel like I was listening to a Rocky Marciano, a Dan Gable, or a Cael Sanderson... Somone that had been to the top, someone who was something great, who accomplished what 99.9% of people never will.

I have heard of many people he fought... Almost always he was outweighed in his fights, and Euclides ALWAYS found a way to win. He fought a man called "King Kong" and could rip coconuts apart with his bare hands, and dwarfed him... he won, lol. Not that size matters, but I think things like that show how this guy is the true definition of a fighter. He was on a weekly Vale Tudo show that was for SIX years and he fought EVERY week. His career was from the early 60's till 1985. I think that he really is one of the best fighters in HISTORY, and I hope this opens some peoples eyes to a legend of our sport, the best sport in the world.

Now put that in your pipe and smoke it TUF noobs. Be sure to pass it to Eddie Bravo and Joe Rogan when you're done.

100 years from now, Dan Quinn's Youtube clips will be studied by historians and they will all collectively agree that he was ahead of his time. Way ahead of his time. Dan Quinn claims that he has discovered an elixir for eternal youth which also doubles as a fuel source that can save the earth. It's all based on a cocktail of Stevia, marijuana and 'pure-h20'. Apparently this mixture has enabled Dan Quinn to have an MMA record of 5-5-1 (with all of his losses constantly disputed throughout the years).

On Dan Quinn's Wikipedia page is an account of an altercation he had with 24 Hour Fitness, an ordeal that he dedicated countless Youtube vidoes talking about.

Quinn made numerous videos for YouTube at 24 Hour Fitness, in violation of the health club’s rules against videos being taken inside the club. In the spring of 2010 this violation came to the attention of 24 Hour Fitness management at the Fulton & Hurley location in Sacramento, California. That particular club had a full-page screen shot of one of Quinn’s videos printed out for front desk personnel to identify Quinn. Management contacted Quinn and instructed him not to attend the Fulton & Hurley club anymore. When Quinn threatened to ignore this request, 24 Hour Fitness arranged for an armed guard to be stationed at Fulton & Hurley for several hours to prevent Quinn from entering. Furthermore, front desk personnel were instructed to allow Quinn to enter the club if he showed up (since Quinn’s membership was still valid in the computer database), and to call police after he entered.

During this time, Quinn apparently could have attended other 24 Hour Fitness clubs as his name was still in the database, his membership was valid, and front desk personnel at other clubs were unaware that Quinn was in the process of having his membership revoked.

As of May, 2010, Quinn’s membership appears to have been revoked as his name has been deleted from the database.

Dan Quinn also believes that he's the reincarnation of a Buddhist angel called 'Maitreya' but was re-branded as the 'Christian' version of the entity when he was enveloped by halo sometime in the late 80s. Dan Quinn also states that by him being 'Maitreya', his focus on life has shifted to saving the world from eminent disaster. Even Diego Sanchez encouraged the use of Stevia with Dan Quinn and claimed the substance helped melt a breast tumor on his girlfriend.

Props to Dan Quinn for being Dan Quinn and if you want to support his cause to save the world through a sugar substitute, you can always throw him some cash. Check out this video of Dan Quinn doing what he does best.

By 1976, Rickson Gracie was doing what any eighteen-year old would be doing. You know, receiving a black-belt and teaching jiu-jitsu before he could legally purchase a case of beer. Of course, if your body is razor shredded and you have the ability to twist your entire torso at will, beer wouldn't be that appealing of a beverage. Rickson is an eighth-degree black-belt, a rank so high that it's actually considered a red-belt (which is the equivalent of possessing Green Lantern's Ring of Power). Throughout his fight career, only eleven of Rickson's fights have been recorded (all of which he won by submission) however Rickson claims that his record is more along the line of 400-0. Rickson's only known 'loss' was in the U.S. Sambo Championships in 1993 where Ron Tripp defeated Rickson Gracie in forty-five seconds in Total Victory via uchi-mata (and I bet you didn't even know that move existed). Rickson has disputed this loss stating that he wasn't properly informed of the rules of the bout beforehand.

Rickson's father, Helio Gracie, has disputed his son's claims of racking up over 400 wins alleging that he included practice and amateur bouts in his triple-digit record. Helio goes one step further to say that if he used the same method that Rickson used to record his wins, Helio would have in excess of 1,000,000 victories.

In 2000, Rickson pulled in an audience of 50,000 spectators in Japan's Tokyo Dome when he competed in his final match of his mysteriously legendary career. In twelve-minutes, Rickson rear naked choked Masakatsu Funaki, a submission so brutal that Funaki later said that he felt like he was going to die. Despite being fifty-one years old, Rickson claims that he's 100% certain that he could beat any top contender in MMA including Fedor Emelianenko. For this sole reason, we need Rickson Gracie in EA Sports MMA to settle the controversy. Oh, don't forget to include an omnipresent aura around his character.

There's not much footage of Rickson on the internet other than the 1999 documentary entitled 'Choke' that documents his reign at Vale Tudo Japan 1995. However, we managed to dig up this ridiculously cool footage of Rickson Gracie executing a transition that no one has ever seen since.

He's already in EA Sports Fight Night Round 4. The character model has been created and he must have some contractual tie to EA (similar to what Randy Couture had with the company after appearing in Red Alert 3). James Toney has an uncanny 72-6 boxing record and the dude is still the current NABO and IBA Heavyweight champion. When he was questioned about his alleged steroid use, Toney nearly slapped the reporter in the face and said 'If I'm the poster boy for steroids, steroids is going out of business'.

James Toney is literally going to rip open the door to the mixed martial arts party, do a keg-stand and eventually stomp his feet on your sofa (RIP Rick James). Back in September, Toney made it clear that he digs MMA and even knew who Fedor was. He went into hiding for a few months and then early in December 2009, dude made it abundantly clear that he had beef with Dana White. Everyone's 'Wtf?' radar went up for a few weeks and then at UFC 108, James Toney got directly into Dana White's face and told him he wants a shot at MMA. After months of speculation, one of the greatest boxers of our time signed a contract to fight Randy Couture at heavyweight in the UFC.

In a previous interview, Toney claimed his trainer (John 'Pops' Arthur) was an Indonesian cage fighter back in the 70s-80s. I'm not sure if anyone has found any evidence of this nor does anyone know how. If anyone knows where the file cabinet labeled 'Underground Indonesian Death Fighters' is, let me know. Just to clarify, here's a distribution of the strikes he supposedly learned from his squad of original death fighters:

Regardless of how cool it would be to see a side-check kick performed on live PPV, James Toney enlisted Strikeforce light heavyweight champion, King Mo, to fill the holes Randy Couture will seek to exploit at UFC 118 (which are more like gigantic, gaping canyons). On August 28, 2010 we'll find out whether James Toney can shovel his fist into Randy Couture's face enough times to earn the W. If Ray Mercer can KO the former UFC heavyweight champion in 9 seconds, James Toney jumping into MMA isn't that nutty.

Check out this clip of James Toney's character in EA Sports Fight Night Round 4 banging against Oscar De La Hoya in a weight class we will probably never seen Toney at again.

Comments

+2 # Guest 2010-07-20 04:19

Love it.

The Top Ten Unlockable Characters That Should Be In EA Sports MMA

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