oh god, not these asshole again

The funniest part was when they was talking about Goodridge after he got Crocop'ed by Yvel. I don't listen to Joe's podcast that often. I haven't seen the one that Ronda was on yet. I'm not sure why. I haven't watched the 'Trip to the 209' series yet. There's a lot of Ronda videos I haven't seen yet. Sometimes I have a hard time watching her videos. I don't think I have panic attacks per se. I'm not sure what would technically be considered a panic attack or not but I get this really intense anxiety sometimes when I watch her videos so sometimes I don't watch them when they first come out. Like, I still haven't watched the video of the press conference when she got her UFC belt. I've imagined what happened based on comments but I don't feel like I'm ready to look at it yet. I feel like I'm not really worthy to be her fan. Ronda kind of reminds me of my mom a little in some ways. But not like completely but just a little in certain ways. Like, when Ronda did the interview with Lazy and she said "but I still won that fight". That's exactly how my mom would have said that including the hand gestures and facial expressions and everything. I don't really have as good of a relationship with my mom as I want to. I always felt kind of isolated from my family. It felt like I wasn't one of them. I never say I love you to people in real life. Like ever. But I say it sometimes to people I meet on the internet. I think I'm so desperate to connect to people on the internet because I can't connect to people in real life. I've tried to meet someone from the internet before but he didn't show up. I kind of wanted to kill him eventually but we sort of just stopped talking to each other after a while. I remember when Newgrounds.com had this thing with camgirl sites and it was this one camgirl named Michelle who had a site called chellecam.com but this was back in the day when camsites were just regular people and not porn. She didn't post on her forum much during the era that I posted there but there were a few regulars who I felt like I bonded with kind of. Then there was oish and nocarlno. By the time I got to nocarlno I kind of didn't want to post on forums anymore. It felt like I needed to change. Like, I just wasn't into it anymore. I used to post on the espn boxing forums. I think that was around the time I was at my lowest. When I started posting on Sherdog the first time I had changed a lot. I wasn't the say anything troll that I used to be. But then I stopped posting on the internet all together for a few years. What brought me back to posting on the internet was the Chrihanna(Rihan na & Chris Brown) fight. I started getting obsessed with Rihanna a little while before Chris beat her up in the limo. Then I started going to rihannadaily.co m to read about Rihanna then eventually I started posting in the comments section. I don't post there anymore and I'm not as obsessed with Rihanna as I used to be. Before Rihanna I used to be really obsessed with Shakira. Sometimes I wonder if my obsession with Ronda will wear off one day. But I think Ronda is different. Because it's a lot deeper with Ronda. Like, it's a lot about her opinions about life and stuff like that. With Shakira and Rihanna it was a lot about lust but I liked them for more than just that too. But with Ronda I think it's more than just a sexual attraction. Like, I've read some of the stuff Ronda wrote years ago before she was famous. It's a song she wrote that had almost identical lyrics to a song I wrote. We like a lot of the same cartoons too. But I know that's mostly coincidence but still. Sometimes I kind of fantasize of Ronda being like a demigod. Kind of how George Soros thinks of himself.

Soros: “I Fancied Myself As Some Kind Of God.” “A passage in his book The Alchemy of Finance, published in 1987, distinguishes Soros from all other financiers, ever. ‘I have always harboured an exaggerated view of my self-importance ,’ he wrote. ‘To put it bluntly, I fancied myself as some kind of god or an economic reformer like Keynes, or, even better, like Einstein. My sense of reality was strong enough to make me realise that these expectations were excessive, and I kept them hidden as a guilty secret. This was a source of considerable unhappiness through much of my adult life. As I made my way in the world, reality came close enough to my fantasy to allow me to admit my secret, at least to myself. Needless to say, I feel much happier as a result.’” (Stephen Fay, “Profile: George Soros: God Of All He Surveys,” The Independent [London], 5/17/98)

In an interview Ronda said that the way her mom trained her in judo reminded her of the book "Ender's Game". I don't she thinks she's a god or anything like that. I don't think that she's god but I just fantasize about it sometimes. But I've tried not to do that anymore. But I think Ronda could be important historical figure like Martin Luther. Ronda is more tolerant though. I don't agree with everything Martin Luther taught but I'm close to protestant in my theological beliefs so I agree with some things. I don't agree with all of Ronda's opinions but I still believe in her. Ronda has said that one shouldn't be afraid to have an unpopular opinion. She also said in an interview that she wanted some people to like her and some to hate her in the context of her strategy for hyping her fights. In another interview she said that a lot of bad things that happened in her life has lead to good things. Like, when her mom hurt her knee she changed her style and used it to become a world judo champion. When Ronda hurt her knee she said her ground fighting progressed a lot while training with Manny. She had to do mostly ground training while giving her knee time to heal. I think that's a good way to think about things.

Quote:

"When great evils happen, I am in the habit of looking out for what good may arise from them as consolations to us, and Providence has in fact so established the order of things, as that most evils are the means of producing some good." -- Thomas Jefferson to Benjamin Rush, 1800. ME 10:173

I think sometimes I'm a bit melodramatic about things. I've had a lot of tragedy in my life but I don't think it's any more than most. I've always been sensitive and emotionally fragile. Sometimes I look for someone to magically give me strength. But I need to find the strength within myself.

@BjjAngel easy, you decide to be courageous and enthusiastic - YOU control your own mindset, just decide what you want it [to] be https://twitter.com/RondaRousey/statuses/218513307903070208