Feeling like Superman for some reason, Jon Jones believes he could beat Cain Velasquez

Like a man feeling superhuman powers crackling from his fingertips out of the blue, Jon Jones said at a press conference Friday that he could beat Cain Velasquez if he joined the UFC heavyweight class.

“I don’t know when I’m going to move up in weight,” he said, like a fellow with dilating pupils and slowly increasing body temperature. “I’ve entertained the thought of going to heavyweight so many times, and I think right now, with all due respect to Anthony, I believe I’ll win that fight and get into superfights and rematches.  But if I do go to heavyweight, and when I do go to heavyweight, I do believe I have the skill-set to beat Cain.”

The statement seemed extreme, like something a man would scream off the edge of a posh 80th story balcony while wearing a hotel bath towel like a cape.  But Jones explained, “Cain’s a magnificent opponent. My main reason for believing I’ll beat Cain is his size. He’s not one of these massive heavyweights that is just going to outweigh me and out-power me in every situation. He’s a guy that I can totally compete with; I believe I’m smart enough to compete with him.”

It was the sort of explanation a man would offer moments before screaming that insects were crawling beneath his skin, his red-rimmed eyes jittering with chemical paranoia, searching for the invisible sources of bizarre auditory hallucinations.  But he had the wherewithal to ask Dana to make the fight happen, and Dana replied, “Let’s do it.”

Yes, Jon was talkative and enthusiastic during the presser.  And although he did not suffer a nosebleed or attempt to toss a Mazda through a stained glass window with his bare hands, his statements were alarming.  

Published on March 4, 2015 at 10:55 pm
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