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LookoutaDIAZ! Here is our exclusive first look at lookoutawhale’s new masterpiece: Hospital Mayhem

Creative super mammal lookoutawhale, the non-fish who brought you the Animated Tales of Chael Sonnen, Bloodsport Karma, and GSP Punch-Out, has just released his newest masterpiece. And this time, it's Hospital Mayhem, an animated re-creation of the timeless emergency room altercation between Nick Diaz and Joe Riggs.

The Whale's timing couldn't be better. He finished his lengthy project just days after Joe accidentally shot himself with a handgun and the UFC impulsively re-signed the 209's prodigal son.

Now keep in mind, the Diaz is in the details, and this video is packed full of subtle hilarity. Enjoy special appearances by a belt-strapping Tim Sylvia in huge running shoes, a pair of Joe Rogan dragon jeans, and the Museum of Mullets at the Mandalay Bay Event Center.

Cold Topic with @SpilledBagofIce: Anderson Silva vs. Nick Diaz Edition (of course)

While Nick Diaz's fight against Anderson Silva is still six moths away, it's nonetheless what MMA fans are buzzing about. The return of two of the most exciting and talented fighters in the game facing off against each other! How can you not be psyched? How do these two bad asses match up? Everyone seems to have an opinion, including me but I decided to turn to a fighter and a scholar of MMA and fight analysis: Greg Blackson himself, Mr. Fallen Angel, Dominique Robinson to chat about the skill set these fan favorite fighters bring to the octagon. Check it out. I found it pretty insightful.

Blast to The Past: Roger Gracie vs. Jacare at the Mundials

A decade later, the glory hasn’t faded. Ten years is a long time. A lot can change in ten years. Ten years ago, I was getting ready to go to college in the fall. Ten years ago, Mel Gibson was still a beloved movie star.

Ten years ago, a 17 year old Ronda Rousey had just qualified for her first Olympic Games (and was the youngest judoka). Ten years ago, LeBron James played for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Ten years ago today, Roger Gracie had never thought of looking like a skeleton while fighting Tim Kennedy. Ten years ago today, Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza wasn’t streaking towards a confrontation with UFC Middleweight champion Chris Weidman. Ten years ago today, those two men were recovering from one of the greatest jiu-jitsu matches in history. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch the video below and thank me later.

Surprise! Eddie Alvarez vs. Cowboy Cerrone is apparently going down at UFC 178!

Remember the rumors that there was going to be some big “surprise” for UFC 178? Well, surprise. According to reports, Eddie Alvarez has left Bellator and will be fighting Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone at UFC 178 in his UFC debut. This has been a long time coming now, with Alvarez almost joining the UFC months ago only for the dastardly Bjorn Rebney to pull the rug out from the situation. Then again, that led to Eddie Alvarez vs. Michael Chandler so I guess waiting isn’t an awful thing, right? The big fight that everyone still wants to see is Gilbert Melendez vs. Eddie Alvarez, which is still entirely an option. Donald Cerrone is on a crazy four-fight winning stream right now and was slated to face Khabib Nurmagomedov until Khabib injured his knee. We’ve heard for a few days that Cerrone had another bout offered, but weren’t clear as to what it was.

Well, now we know. Donald Cerrone vs. Eddie Alvarez, awesome fight. It’s almost like the UFC wants to win all of us back now or something, huh? Nick Diaz vs. Anderson Silva, Eddie Alvarez vs. Donald Cerrone. We’ll take it.

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*Stuff* People Tweeted @MiddleEasy: UFC on FOX 12 Edition is Here!

With an entire box of Topps Knockout cards on the line, this *Stuff* People Tweeted @MiddleEasy took an extra day to come out. I'm sorry for the delay, but the winner had to be meditated on for more than a mere 48 hours. I had to walk away, gain some life experiences then come back to the tweets thousands of people sent us on Saturday during UFC on FOX 12. Only then would I be able to look at these tweets in a new, fresh light. I had to gain perspective. I had to ascend.

Then I had to see which tweets made me chuckle again so I could decide where to send $160 worth of UFC cards. 

Below is the best from *Stuff* People Tweeted @MiddleEasy: UFC on FOX 12 Edition!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And @Jimsterjam gets the box of Topps Knockout 2014 cards in a major acknowledgment of irony. Yes, he did a Tim Means tweet, but if you dissect it, he did a Tim Means tweet in the best way possible - without trying. We try to shake things up.

Hey, @Jimsterjam, email Jason@MiddleEasy.com and we'll get you your prize.

We attempt to predict upcoming UFC main events by morphing the fighters into the same being?

MMA is relatively unpredictable, and picking fights can be a subjective exercise.  But maybe that's an illusion.  Maybe MMA isn't the problem, and we're just not using all of the available information.  That changes right now.  Using advanced morphology technology, combined with cutting-edge personality analysis (a free iPhone app called FaceFusion), fight results have never been more clear.  Book your ticket to Vegas.  Shit just got surreal.

Roy Nelson vs Mark Hunt

What do you get when you combine feared strikers Mark Hunt and Roy Nelson? An unimposing man-lion who has entered the witness protection program in an Amish community. A secret Lion King crafting hand-built cherry wood coffee tables by candlelight. But don’t let Royben Huntersheim fool you. After all, at least half of him once ruled the PRIDE.

Expect the fight to start gently, like two men easing down a country road on horseback. But you can’t domesticate the King of the Jungle. It will end violently, when one of them realizes that the other looks a lot like a nicely fattened gazelle.

Result: Hunt via trot-off KO in R1.

Bisping vs Le

Yes, Michael Bisping is brash. But on a superficial level, he is a well-tailored English gentleman. Cung Le is his Vietnamese-American counterpart. A Prada-suited throwback to the Lê Dynasty. Both are regal while ringside. But combine them, and you have a deranged vagrant on a stained park bench. Absconded from his 72-hour hold at a psychiatric hospital, he plays solo checkers with an unopened bottle of antipsychotic medication.

Expect this bipolar fight to be unpredictable and dangerous. Manic and depressive. It will start slow, change personalities mid-round, then peel off the face of a dead prostitute before being stopped by the authorities after a disturbing TKO.

Result: a confused audience boos, then cheers maniacally as a weirdly unconventional punch sends Bisping’s eye into the lap of a hot dog vendor in R3.

Cain vs. Werdum

Fabricio Werdum and Cain Velasquez are not remarkably handsome men in their own rights. But combine them, and you have created an Anti-Frankenstein, the most attractive human being in the sport of Mixed Martial Arts. A manufactured creature with a slightly ascending eyebrow, a confident jawline, and warm eyes that invite you to the most classically romantic battle in UFC history.

Joe Silva has nailed this one. Because these men are less than the perfect sum of their flawless parts. Their styles will clash harmoniously, like Asian fusion cooking, producing the most visually appealing fight of the year. It will be like visiting the ballet for the first time. And actually enjoying it.

Result: an abnormally satisfying draw after five rounds of the most beautifully choreographed fighting this side of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Jones vs Cormier

Take a look at this combination of Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier and I bet you’ll say, “Why, what a nice picture of Cormier. Looks like he’s thinned down quite a bit.” That’s because Daniel Cormier is dominating this morph like a leather-suited Genki Sudo at a submissive Japanophile convention. He’s completely absorbed Jon’s face into his own. And assuming the existence of a spirit-face connection, he’s absorbed that as well.

Despite a recent knee injury, this one is all Cormier. You’ll forget that Jon Jones exists, and you’ll revel at the mystery that Cormier appears to be fighting himself the entire time. He will mount Jones until he disappears, absorbing the champion through osmosis.

Result: Daniel Cormier via soul-annihilating ground and pound in R2.

Anderson vs Diaz

"The morphed face of Diaz-Anderson is a man who is spiritually exhausted. His eyes have seen some kind of genocidal horror. He would weep, but his tears are bunched up against the surface tension created by two thousand years of resigned wisdom over the futility of human existence.

If this fight even happens, expect a chronically depressed Anderson to circle morbidly as he reflects on his sad losses to Weidman. Like a wounded Vietnam Veteran after the Battle of Khe Sanh. Meanwhile, a stoned and lethargic Diaz will taunt him, but his heart won't be in it. The whole thing just seems so meaningless. 

Result: The fight is canceled before it happens. Like dismal clockwork, Anderson is re-injured during training. It is a testament to the inevitability of worldly disappointment. Or Diaz doesn't show up. Why would he? It's not like it will make a difference in the grand scheme of things."

If you want to watch Jessamyn Duke get a huge pin shoved into her wrist, we have footage

Titling the articles that feature surgery or any type of uncomfortable readjustment of the human body are usually a challenge. At first, the title was, 'Do you want to watch Jessamyn Duke get a huge pin shoved into her wrist?' And honestly, I don't know how many people want to see a huge pin shoved into anyone's wrist. But, there are people out there who do indeed like watching pins getting shoved into wrists. Hell, there's people that dig watching pins getting shoved into worse places than wrists, like penises (the wrist of the genitals) so then I decided to just go with the open-ended, 'If you want to watch Jessamyn Duke get a huge pin shoved into her wrist, we have footage.' That seems like the best option, right? I mean, if you want to see this, you're here. If you don't, you aren't, and these words to you don't even matter. 

If an article isn't read, is it ever really written? If a video of a pin getting shoved into Jessamyn Dukes wrist isn't watched, did it ever happen? Yes, on the second point, it happened. Layzie was there. He promised me this is all true and only in a few of the infinite dimensions featuring Jessamyn Duke and this pin that gets shoved into her wrist does this not happen. 

What if this only turns Duke into an explosive fighter, considering the pin being pulled from her flesh looks like a grenade being primed for chucking?

Urijah Faber makes an appearance in GTA5, but only if you’re totally stoned

About two decades ago, my brother came home covered in blood after a trip to Wal-Mart. He told my mother that he’d accidentally cut off a local television meteorologist while driving. The guy followed him into the parking lot, got out of his car and aggressively reached into my brother’s vehicle, trying to take his car keys. So my bro went full defensive cumulonimbus, knocked the weirdo down with his car door like Knight Rider, and broke his nose. This would be a stupid story if we hadn’t turned on the news later that night and learned that the weather man was out with a “skiing injury.” And just two years ago, that same local celebrity confessed that he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, that he's been experiencing manic episodes.

Years after the alleged meteorological offensive, I was working as a 911 dispatcher about twenty miles southwest of that assault-o-mart. I received a call from that exact same weather man, reporting some loose cattle on a country road. I wanted to ask if it was him who got beat up that day. It was my chance to resolve our Great Family Mystery, the biggest thing that happened since my mentally ill Uncle bought a worm farm in Mora. But it seemed like an unprofessional thing to do. And I also worried that the forecast was cloudy, with a chance of lawsuits. So I suppose I’ll never know, and I’ll just keep whispering at campfires about the time my brother and the local God of Thunder threw down at W-Town. It is almost certainly better that way.

That long, windy build up was designed to introduce this video of an allegedly pixelated Urijah Faber smoking a joint on Grand Theft Auto 5. In this case, we won’t be speculating for two decades about it. Why? Because we know it isn’t Urijah. It doesn’t even look like Urijah, and the video creator is clearly so stoned that he’s given himself glaucoma.

DstryrSG - Rickson Gracie finally steps to the forefront of BJJ in a very visible way

The Rickson Gracie we know, the myth, the legend, has for many years been seen as the soul of Jiu Jitsu. The conscience of Jiu Jitsu. Part myth, part reality, we, he's been embraced by the practitioners and students of the Jiu Jitsu as its patron saint. Perhaps it all began with the the 1999 documentary film "Choke," which revealed his philosophy and captured his presence.

But, Rickson's been low key, to say the least, in recent years. He's quietly lived much of his life in Brazil (so I am told), away from the UFC-hyped community and from the IBJJF tournament world as well. He's done the occasional interview (we spoke to him in 2012) and continued teaching seminars. But, he hasn't taken a leadership role in the BJJ community at large. Until now.

By now, I mean last week, when Rickson launched his Jiu Jitsu Global Federation. The mission of the JJGF is impressive and massive in scope. Rickson's views on the modern-day Federation-style competition Jiu Jitsu is poignant, honest and, we think, correct. He was the featured guest this past Friday on Budovideos' "This Week in BJJ" web series. The result is literally mandatory viewing material for all grapplers. If you did not watch, you must watch now.

Watch Rickson...

A Lesson in Street MMA: History is made as a dude bats 1.000 - 5 punches, 5 knockdowns

There's multiple lessons to be learned in this incredible edition of Street MMA, but there's almost always more than one lesson to be learned in the only fighting organization not to take place within a geometrical shape. 

Of course, lesson one is the old standby: learn to film properly with your phone. My entirely unscientific research has led me to believe that roughly 80% of the human population doesn't know how to point their phone in order to record in the proper aspect ratio. It's not hard to do, just hold your phone sideways. 

Maybe it's because so many people are in the heat of the moment and want to get recordin' but I have a feeling it's Idiocracy sinking it's claws deeper into society. I mean, these combatants are, after all, fighting in a gas station parking lot in a cutoff T-shirt and camouflage cargo shorts. Which, of course, in itself isn't a crime against higher, or even mediocre intelligence, but when combined with the fact that you are engaging another man in combat while hoopin' and hollerin' in a gas station, the chance is that you own a gun rack and have watched ICP's hardcore wrestling organization. God bless America.

Lesson 2 is that you shouldn't let the adrenaline get to you. Yeah, you have a bunch of dudes that may also be wearing camouflage shorts, and in solidarity you may feel like you can conquer the world, but adrenaline is also what leads a lot of people directly towards a world of pain. Take this video for example. Clearly some transgression passed to make this fight get okayed by the matchmakers, but it's still absolutely OK to walk away from a fight. Don't follow the crowd. Would you jump off a bridge if that bridge was wearing camouflage shorts too?

Lesson 3 is to put your hands up. Damn.

Lesson 4 is that the crowd will turn on you if you get blasted in spectacular fashion, even if you initially get sucker punched. But hey, when you walk up on a dude and you're posturing for a fight, you should be ready if you're within striking distance. Maybe this dude just didn't realize he was fighting Dhaslim. I dunno. 

And in the end, the final lesson is that you probably should never get into another scrap again if you get dropped 5 times in 5 punches. What a killer jab.

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